Thursday, October 28, 2010

I want to grow up, I want to grow old, I want to grow wings

In my bible study I have been reading about believing God. As a child I grew up going to church with friends, as my parents didn't go. I remember a bus coming around the neighborhood picking up the kids and taking them to church. I went to Sunday school and church service and I always came home singing.

My mother was married to a man who was not my father. He was also a man who made it clear he didn't like children. He made our lives miserable for many years. I grew up hearing daily that I was ugly, I was worthless, I would never amount to anything. He would ridicule and criticize my every move. I would come home in high school and the lights wouldn't work, or I wouldn't be able to get in the house because my key wouldn't work. My own father I saw on birthdays and holidays and on rare instances in between. Not having an ally I believed every word.

But at church I was uplifted and told that there was a God and he loved me. I believed in God always. I tried to be a good person. I was an outcast. I was shy and scared and although I believed IN God, I never quite believed Him. Because after all who am I? The song by Casting Crowns called Who Am I speaks to the heart of every fear I ever had. Growing up rejected I was nobody, at home or at school.

Today I know better. I am not nobody and I am loved. God loves me and He has given me the gift of family. I love them more than words could ever express and I love God even more. I still have many fears and insecurities but they are different than they used to be. I have a husband who is everything I could hope for and three children. One of whom is a shy, quiet kid who never quite learned to stick up for herself. One a little more outgoing who tries different things but sometimes gets overlooked, which makes her and me for that matter, very frustrated. The last one is full of life and love and compassion for others. When I am having trouble accepting different circumstances, I look at the little boy that God put in my life to ground me. As I've said before he is my missionary.

I have dreams of growing up, growing old, and growing wings. I still have a lot of growing to do. I am human and I make mistakes along the way, which is why I need to grow up. I'm learning, it's all I can do. I want to grow old, so many in my family weren't so lucky. My own mother died at 52 from cancer. That's far too young. I'd like to see every one of my grandchildren born and grown. After all what greater pleasure than to see your children with their own children? You may think I want to grow wings because I want to fly. I suppose that's partly true. I am a nervous flier however. I have something else in mind. I want to fly on the wings of angels. I want to see heaven and look into the face of God and with tears streaming, thank Him for his rich blessings on my life. I want to be able to say that I did the best I could and that I did accomplish what He sent me to do.

I have no earthly idea what the plan is. But I have every intention of giving my children what I never had. Someone to stick up for them when they are unable to stick up for themselves. If there is another child in need then I'll stick up for them too. Too many times they go unnoticed. Too often they need a voice outside of their own, and I'm not shy anymore.

I have some other thoughts of things I'd like to do. I loved my MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) group so much I refuse to leave it. I just keep going back and taking care of the little ones. It's good for the mothers to have a break and it's good for me to rock a baby and remember how small they start out. But the kids grow and they go to school and when they get to about nine years old, it all starts changing. The tween and teen years are hard, which is why we need the MOTS (mothers of teenagers)group. It's hard when you've held them so long to start letting them go. It's also important for the kids to know that you are still there for them. That even though they are growing up, you aren't going to just walk away. And parents (such as me) need to learn to let them stand on their own, and be confident that they will make the right decisions. Only when we support each other can we be confident that our legs will keep us standing. God calls us to love each other. If we do that and believe Him that He is holding us all up, there is nothing we can't accomplish.

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