It doesn't really get easier. Mother's day is tomorrow and I suppose I should focus on the fact that I, myself, am a mother. I realize that, of course, I realize that and yet I want my mother. Everywhere I go people are talking about buying cards for their mothers and I don't have a card to buy. I don't have a call to make or flowers to send. I would have sent you sunflowers. You should see the sunflowers they have at the farmer's market. They are breathtaking.
I had this fantasy, a dream really, you were here. We were making plans for dinner for Mother's day and talking about how to spend the day today. Were we going shopping or to the beach to work on our tans? There are so many choices here. So many places to eat, I think you could go somewhere different for an entire year and still not try them all.
I drink coffee now. Did I tell you that? Your granddaughters like it too. We don't drink it black like you did but I often think about how much fun it would have been to go to coffee shops with you. How you would have ordered yours black and we would have tried to get you to drink coffee like we do with all the stuff in it that makes it taste good. Would you have enjoyed it the way we do? Would it have been a running joke between us? Can you imagine the four of us girls shopping and drinking coffee together? I never did...I imagine you thought, like I did, that the girls would be little forever. It never occurred to me, when you were here, the things we would be doing together as the girls got older. Now we are visiting colleges and in a few short years they will be working and on their own. You would have been right in the mix of it all. How different would our lives be if you were here? What would you have taught the girls?
Amazing...it is really amazing to me how much difference a year can make. We moved almost a year and a half ago and I was so frightened to drive on some of these big roads. We felt like aliens in a strange land and now, well....we're not. Yesterday your grandson pointed out a kid on a bike and said he was a great guy. We have friends here now. I have driven to the beach. If I want to go somewhere I'm not so scared to go anymore. I have found that it doesn't matter where you go, people drive like idiots. I have thought about how you would have handled driving here and then I was remembering that you drove us to North Carolina. Do you remember that? Just the two of us on the open road and I realize you were fearless.
You were fearless and yet I have always been afraid of everything. You were the hardest working woman I ever knew and you raised me alone. It wasn't easy. Raising a daughter is hard, I get it, I have two. PMS and drama and all the things...throw in the eye rolls and the door slamming and it's enough to make anyone slightly crazy and you did it without help. I, at least, have a partner in life. We can tag team and team up and support each other. Remember when I was having the boy? We were so scared of a boy. He's so easy...always was really. He would put himself down for naps. Such blessings each and every one, with their different personalities, and they would have enjoyed hanging around you as much as you would have them. You would have spoiled them. I hope you would have taught them to be fearless like you. I wish I could have been fearless too.
So many changes and I can't call you. I can't call you and talk to you while I'm cooking dinner. I can't invite you to dinner. You were always on the other end of the line. You could be so mad at me but you were always on the other end of the line. You might have yelled at me but you would have been there. For the record, I was always right, but I'd say I was wrong if I could have one more conversation. It's been almost thirteen years and I have to focus to remember the sound of your laugh. I have to concentrate to remember the melody of your voice. I remember the way you would say things, the expressions you would use, like it is ingrained into the very fiber of my being.
I can close my eyes and see your smile and the way you would chew on your pinky finger when you were tired. The way you were late for every party always but you made the best cakes in town. The way you always looked so tired because you worked all night in a factory for my whole life so you could be available if I needed you in the daytime. I remember it all. I thank you for it all. I was a sarcastic kid and maybe I'm not a much better adult because my entire vocabulary is full of sarcasm and movie quotes but you did teach me to appreciate everything. You taught me right from wrong and you taught me that love is a verb. That it's showing up. And maybe you taught me a little bit about hard work too but I was always too scared to fail to really go for dreams I knew I didn't deserve. And yet you were never the one who told me I didn't deserve anything, you only told me I was spoiled but you were mostly to blame for that and you loved it. You loved me. Always. For better or for worse you were always the one person in my life that I could run to and all I want is to talk to you on the phone. If only there could be phone calls from heaven.
I have been so very blessed with a wonderful husband and three great kids I've gotten to love here on earth and one that I hope to meet in heaven someday. I have this beautiful family and some great friends but on mother's day I miss my mom. No one loves you like your mom. I know though that if I can't be with you that you are with the only one who could love you better. I'm so overwhelmed that you came to know Jesus before you died. I think that is the best part of all this. His love for you is so deep and so true. I know His love for me is too. I love you and miss you to infinity and beyond. I just wish there were phone calls from heaven. Until we meet again.
Your favorite daughter, Heather
(I win by default, only child and all)