Sunday, November 29, 2015

Changes come round real soon...

Can you think of nothing?  Just sit and shut the mind off.  I can't do it.  I'm incapable of not thinking.  Oh how I wish I could.  Tonight we went to my uncle's house for a Thanksgiving dinner.  We haven't had Thanksgiving with my mother's side of the family for at least a decade.  I took apple salad without the pecans that my grandma put in when she made it.  She would sit and chop them by hand with a knife.  So many memories.

The hands of time...the entire family dynamic has changed.  It looks nothing like it did when I was growing up.  It's OK, there is just a slightly different group of people who don't know a lot about each other who gather to and love each other and eat until they are half sick.  We ARE an American family  even if we are far off from where we once were.  Every Sunday of my childhood my entire family would gather at my grandma's for lunch.  Now grandma is gone, mom is gone, both aunts are gone, and I have two uncles I know nothing about.  This year it was my uncle who was married to my aunt for over twenty years before she died, his new wife, her daughter, his three kids and their families from his previous marriage before my aunt, one of my cousins from my aunt and her kids, my other cousin's daughter who flew in from Florida, and us.

On Thanksgiving we had lunch with my husband's family, then went to see my dad's side of the family. I suppose you could say that we have made the rounds to see the family this year.

We are moving.  And by moving I don't mean to just another house in the same general vicinity as where we live now.  No, we are moving four states away.  While I am excited about our new adventure, I am also completely overwhelmed by logistics and to do lists.  I haven't moved in 15 years.  I know exactly 7 people in this new state.  I know this is going to sound crazy but I'm afraid I will go take a walk once we move and get lost and not know how to get back to the house.  Then what?  What if I don't remember the address?  I can't remember the make of the car I drive half the time and I've had that car for well over a year.  This is a move we have dreamed about for ten or so years and didn't know when or how it would ever happen and I'm worried I will get lost if I take a walk.  It's ridiculous.  I get that.

There is also the part where I am going to miss my job.  I love my job so much.  It's the best gig if you can get it.  Third graders are hilarious.  Plus, the people I work with, for the most part, well...they get me. They accept my silliness.  

Then there is the friends thing.  I mean as I said I know seven people in this new state.  I have several friends here.  I'm kind of an acquired taste.  I mean do they speak sarcasm there?  Will they get my movie quotes?  Will they accept my singing in church, not in the front but at my seat, even though I am really bad at it?  Family is required to love you but strangers not so much.

What of the children?  My son is going to go to another school.  He is very likable.  If he takes up a new sport like lacrosse are there people who will explain to me how that game works?  If he makes so many friends he is rarely home, will he remember how to get back to the house?  Will my girls ever leave the house?

An example of how I can't just think about nothing:

I am moving, my grandma on my dad's side is in the hospital she is not doing well, I have blood work Monday I have to remember to go take care of, I have a procedure on the eleventh, I need more boxes, I have more Christmas shopping to do but I don't know when to do it, how do you move medical records to a new doctor if you don't have a new doctor yet?, will another school hire me, how can I make this move easiest on my family?, How can we get there in the car without my oldest getting car sick?, How is my aunt doing taking care of everything for my grandma?, Why is she left to take care of everything all the time?  It's ridiculous that her siblings don't do more to help her out, they are all retired, she works full time.  I wonder if the schools down there hire you full time or part time?  I wish mom were here. Speaking of mom, some kids at school call me mama, or ma, or mamacita, how will they do when I leave?  Who will love them and take care of them?  Will they remember me once I leave?  Who will hug the nurse on Thursdays when she comes to school?  Who will close the milk cooler at lunch?  Who will randomly give the secretary cheesy smiles?  Speaking of cheese where to do you go to buy groceries?  If I wrote another book, what would I call it?

That was just a small sampling of the things that run through my mind at any given moment.

I don't know how all this works out.  All I know is that I'm full of questions but confident there are answers and God holds them all.  So if you wouldn't mind so much, I would appreciate your prayers for all of the changes for our family, but mostly for my grandma and my aunt who does the brunt of the work to make sure she is taken care of.

Saturday, October 24, 2015

Don't Die Wonderin', Man

In the car this week my husband and I were talking about changes.  Things that have changed and things that for the most part have stayed the same.  My husband graduated from college and went to work in his field of study.  He has worked in more than one location in the last twenty years but the most recent location has been a fifteen years stint. The man has staying power.

I graduated from college twice with different associate degree then went into the business of planning my wedding.  I got married and got pregnant almost immediately after the reception.  OK it was a month later but still.  It was an "OH so that's where babies come from moment."  Protection EVERY time.  Got it!  I have an associate degree in medical assisting and an associate degree in marketing. To be completely fair while I haven't received a paycheck I have technically been working in my fields of study the entire time.  I can kiss boo boos and have garage sales with the best of them.

In the course of the conversation though he said that I was....what was it...a walking news reel?  I have done many different jobs.  Let's see...I have worked retail, medical assisting at an urgent care facility, I made jewelry and wanted to start my own line, visual at a department store, did in home parties and sold lingerie, bank teller, real estate, worked at two preschools, wrote two books, and currently work at an elementary school which is my longest stint yet with it being four years in a row. I have also worked with five teachers two of them being long term subs and a slew of other subs.  In all honesty I never thought too much about it. OH!  I almost forgot my stint working at a bridal shop.

I think today I had a breakthrough.  My husband was saying that he couldn't change things as easily as I have.  I think a great part of that is because I have him.  He is very stable and amazingly supportive.  He was saying something interesting though.  I told him that the reason behind all of that is because I never really figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I come up with something or get an idea and I throw my chips in the middle of the table and go for it.

Breakthrough time:  I might be a genius.  Maybe it's not that I am a flake, maybe it's that ... I have to to do it, I have to quote The Way Way Back here because maybe its a "Don't die wonderin' man" way I'm living my life.  I don't want to die wondering what if.  Let's be real here.  I am not a New York Times best selling author.  I make literally about $40 a year in books.  I don't have my own line of jewelry and I never sold a single house as a realtor.  To be fair though in the greater scheme of things I was only a realtor for about 15 minutes.

Mostly I have been a stay at home mom.  I think that is what I am, with a few side projects.  A little job here, a little job there to make a little extra money for the family.  I work hard when I work and I rest very well when I'm not working at home.  I have one kid in college and another one that is getting ready to go in addition to one who is now in junior high.  I have a household to run, band concerts and orchestra concerts and pep band games to attend. I have sporting events to attend. I have permission slips to sign, I have birthday parties to plan, I have dinner to prepare, and groceries to buy.  I have a house for sale.  I have a few things going on and I have always had a few things going on around here.  So I suppose I never really thought about any of  my jobs and career changes.  Now that I think about it though, I guess I still don't.  When I feel like making jewelry I make something.  When I feel like writing, I write.  Maybe I won't get famous or rich but I won't "die wonderin' man."

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

It Was Yesterday

This morning I woke up before the rest of the family.  The house is silent aside from the dryer that I started because the laundry must go on.  There was a beautiful sunrise outside the window.  We've been so busy this week already that it is nice to enjoy the quiet.  We live in a small neighborhood south of a small town that has exactly one stoplight.  There are no wild parties here and rarely do you hear a train on the tracks down the road.  We know 95% of our neighbors and it is the kind of neighborhood where you can borrow an egg or even a can of soup and everyone is happy to help.  People walk their dogs, kids ride their bikes, and the tree in our front yard puts on quite the colorful display in the fall.  The tree is named Larry.  What?  You don't name your trees?  We also have a small tree named Oscar.  The kids, when they were very small, named them when they were planted.
This has been our home for fifteen years.  We have updated the flooring, we have added on, we have had parties here, we have said goodbye to family pets here.  As I sit here and look at the life spent here and the for sale sign in the yard I can't help but wonder why it hasn't sold.  We brought our third child home to this house.  The girls once took crayons and made big giant circles on the walls in the family room, so the entire house has been painted a few times as well.  So many memories...

The time got away from me. It was only a moment ago.  I'm sure I just blinked.  In the span of a blink I went from graduating college to taking not only my first child but my second child on college visits. In the time it took me to turn around they weren't little anymore they were graduating high school and planning their futures. In the space of a moment  I went from nursing my son and playing head, shoulders, knees and toes to him being taller than me and almost a teenager.  All I did was blink and they weren't babies anymore.

The time is goes so fast and yet so slow.  Funny how that works.  It seems to take forever to get somewhere and seconds to get back.  They couldn't wait to grow up and now they can't go back. There are so many things I should have done with them.  In a few short years they will be thrust out into the working world and the only things they know how to make are frozen pizza, mac n cheese, and only one of them can make a baked potato.  Will they starve?  Is high cholesterol in their future from processed food because they freaked out over raw meat every time I tried to get them to participate in making dinner?  Can they survive on those things and lunch meat sandwiches?  Does this make me a failure?  They were 5 years old and 4 years old and I blinked and they were 19 years old and 18 years old.  They were watching Blues Clues now they are watching YouTube.

It was yesterday and a lifetime ago.  I'm not sure what happens next week much less next year.  All I can do is enjoy the journey.  Pay attention to the now while still dreaming of the future.  See them as the teenagers they are and not wish it away lest they be 30 tomorrow and I miss it.  I can't wait to see God's plan for all of us.