Sunday was Mother's Day and while I spent my day enjoying my family, it did not escape me that this was my l0th Mother's Day without my mom. I miss my mom every day and while holidays are hard, I no longer spend them longing for what I don't have. I choose to spend them relishing in what I still have.
I am blessed to be the mother of three children who drive me crazy, make me question my sanity, make me wonder if I am the only one who messes up, fill my heart with joy, make me believe in miracles, give hugs like no other, inspire me, challenge me, overwhelm me in every way, and remind me that there are people in this life worth sacrificing everything for. We spent our day visiting with family, laughing, eating, playing, resting, and enjoying being in each others presence. I missed my mom but I was reminded that I too am a mom. Plus she got to spend her Mother's Day in paradise with Jesus and I'm willing to bet her day was far more spectacular than anything I would have planned out for her.
Today I did the countdown to the end of the school year. At this point in the year the adults at school are right there with the kids hanging on by a thread. I am ready for summer and yet... this year is different. It's the end. The end of high school for one and the beginning of something else. Thoughts of graduation and the subsequent open house and planning for her going off to college swirl around my head making me dizzy.
It is exciting yet terrifying to think of your children not living with you and striking out on their own and yet I'm reminded that she is God's child and He has a plan for her. One that I am not privy to but must trust will be carried out and will bring only good for her.
I know this to be true and yet when I walk by her room and think about her not being in there every night, I feel lost and incomplete somehow. As though a part of my very being is no longer going to live here. My heart aches and my stomach hurts and I feel as though if I sleep long enough I won't have to let her go. Sleep eludes me. I get engrossed in books so I won't have to think about it. I have an adult case of separation anxiety, I think.
The flip side of that is that I can't wait for her to go. I get so excited to see what happens to her in college. Will she meet her best friend for life like I did? Will she meet a boy? Will she fall in love? Will she get good grades? Will she discover what God's plan for her life is and what her calling is? I am overwhelmed by all of her prospects and get so excited to see what God has in store for her that I can't wait to watch it all unfold before us.
But first is the party. When I graduated my mother had a cake some nuts and some mints. My family and a few friends came by to give me some gifts and wish me. We had some cake and that was it. It is so much more than that now. We have to have food and cake and tents and caterers and entertainment. Some even renting out halls for the occasion. Nothing but nothing about a graduation or even a kid's birthday party is simple anymore. Just a bunch of parents trying to outdo every other parent and show they love their kid more because they gave them more. And for what? In the end does it matter?
We will have food but I am preparing it with friends because really, who would want to eat it if I made it on my own? We have corn hole, a pool that is unheated, a cheep net to play volleyball or badminton that may or may not stay up, and an iPod for entertainment. The cake I'm ordering from the grocery store. I can't keep up with the Jones' nor do I want to try. Perfection eludes me and perfection is boring anyway.
Her party will be great because the people who love her will be there to congratulate her and cheer her on to bigger things. Her party will be great because she will be there. Even my mom will be there. In spirit of course, but I doubt she would want to miss it.
So I'm just over here having mini-melt downs and trusting Jesus to get us through all of the excitement and even the calm time when the excitement is over and reality sets in. In between melt downs though I have work to do. I have a lot of envelopes that need addressed or no one is going to show up to the party!