Friday, July 25, 2008

But I Can Google With The Best Of Them!

As you may know I will re-enter the work force this year. I have been on a thirteen year hiatus for the most part with a few periods of work here and there. When my husband and I married we agreed that: A. We would have children, and B. I would stay home to raise them until they were all in school. This is the year they will all be in school. I'm scared! I tell my children that they need to plan for a career that does not involve "would you like fries with that?". I will be entering the fast food business. There aren't any fries involved or I would have to put my foot down.
I have worked hard for thirteen years. I just haven't gotten paid for it. Today's society expects that you will work and not stay home. I feel fortunate that I was given that opportunity. However, I can't help but worry how potential interviews could go. I watched the movie "Mad Money" with Diane Keaton recently and it got me to thinking about this quite a bit actually. If and when I would go on potential interviews I'm sure I would be asked depending upon the position of course about my computer skills I would have to be honest, I have helped type school reports for my children, I have my own blog, and I can Google with the best of them! I have no idea what excel looks like I don't know how to sell on eBay I only know how to buy and if I knew how to decorate this blog differently it would be WAY sassier. Here are my skills: I can cook a meal from a box very well, I can sew to an extent, I have been a caregiver for my family and my mother, I clean my house, do the laundry, shopping, mowing, decorating, I design jewelry, I run the "mom's taxi cab", and I am pretty good and planning a funeral. I have two associate degrees that qualify me for kissing boo boos and having garage sales. Which is pretty much what I have done for the past thirteen years. Oh and parties, I can plan a child's birthday party that will knock your socks off! Now what should I be when I grow up?
The age old question. Along with and where do you work? They always ask that don't they? You'll be in a Walmart or the mall and you will run into someone you went to school with or someone you just haven't seen in 10 to 20 years and they always want to know if they are better off than you are. And where are you working? I am standing there with three kids hanging off of me man this IS work. All of them are staying with me not running around not eating the candy in the check out lane just hanging with me while I try to get away from the question before it is asked and there it is. Because you know they have become a rocket scientist or a marine biologist or maybe a cardiovascular surgeon. I am happy for them. I am also happy for me because I got to stay home and get to know some of the greatest kids on the planet. I just wish people would say something like "That is great or It looks like you've done a good job!" Instead of the "Oh, I see".
So I will re-enter the work force this year and get a "real job" I may not be a rocket scientist, or a marine biologist but by golly I can Google with the best of them!

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Wanted Dead or Alive?

Dear Diary,
In this update I would love to say something witty or funny. I would love to be fantastically profound. However, all I can say is my cousin borrowed a car drove to my other cousins home for some reason then as he was driving back he drove into a tree and died. I received this phone call from my uncle this evening while out to dinner and returned the phone call right before heading into the movies to see Wanted. I have to go and hold it all together again tomorrow.
In the last eight years in my family we have lost my grandmother, my cousins little girl, my aunt, my mother, my other aunt, and now one of my cousins. That is all on my mother's side of the family. Last year my grandfather on my dad's side of the family died and I had a miscarriage. We have had our share of losses for sure.
While watching this movie which is about pretty much a bunch of people killing each other, it occurs to me, why, while sure its entertaining to watch Angelina Jolie drive a car hanging out the front window while shooting guns, should we watch people die on the big screen while people are dying all around us. I have been to more funerals than I care to remember. The name of that movie proposes a quandary really. Wanted, wanted for what? Wanted to love? Wanted to kill? What ARE we wanted for? Well I will tell you what I am wanted for. I am wanted to hold it together. That is my job. It's what I do. My grandmother had seven children two are still living. Seven grandchildren six still living. I can't help but question my mortality at a time like this. I am certain that I am not the only one who wonders who will be next. I will go tomorrow and hold everyone together while they make decisions they should not have to make. Where will he be buried?, who will perform the service?, who is in charge?, why did this happen?, can we get a group rate?
Seriously, can we? We have had enough funerals in our family at this mortuary we should start getting discounts. They already know what music to play. They already have the guest list. They have seen our faces so many times we should be invited to the company bar-b-cue. We help pay the bills.
I will carry the tissues, hold the hands and tell them all that I am so sorry and that it is going to be OK. We will get through this. And do you know how I know this? Because we are professionals at this. We will get through this because it is what we do. We get through this and get through this and get through this quite a bit. I am the oldest grandchild. Out of the seven grandchildren only two still have a mother. I am 36 am I the mother to the clan? No one calls me or comes to visit unless it is a holiday that sounds about right for adult children who don't think their mother approves of their life style doesn't it?
Hmm, Wanted? I know I am wanted. My husband and my children want me. God wants me too. I have spent some time thinking about what God wants me to do. Thirty six years actually. I still am not sure. But I think it has something to do with taking care of my family and perhaps making sure others know they're wanted too. I'm not sure how it works. My cousin was given up by his mother and adopted by her sister when he was three. His sister was passed between my aunt, my mother, my grandmother, and foster homes. I wonder if they have ever felt wanted. Did anyone ever tell them they were wanted? I wonder how anyone knows they are wanted. My mother cared for me and raised me my whole life. My father came for birthdays and Christmas'. I never once felt wanted. My father had things to do. My mother was married to a man who didn't like children. I had a mother who I know loved me and father who I have always known loved me but didn't always know how to express it. I have never once felt wanted. How on earth could those two kids ever feel wanted with all they went through as children? There is a difference between feeling loved and truly wanted. I hope with all my might my children know how wanted they are. I love them and want them with all that I am and all that I hope to be. I say hope to be because I know God is not finished with me yet.
I hope you all know that God loves and wants all of you. You are WANTED!

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Wash, Rinse, Lysol, Repeat

Oh the joys of motherhood. As many of you know my birthday was Tuesday. I don't want to celebrate my birthday it isn't for me something I celebrate anymore. I only continue for the sake of my children. They love it. If there is a birthday going on count them in especially if there is cake involved. So it started out like any other day get up feed the kids. My husband took them to go buy me gifts and I went to go pay a bill. Came home waited to go have lunch with my father and his wife.
So we go have lunch he asks me what do you want for your birthday you didn't call and tell me anything. I say "dad I'm (insert appropriate age here), a married mother of 3 I'm not going to call you and tell you about a toy I just saw on TV." I think if you want to give me a gift you can come over today after lunch and go swimming and spend some time with me and your grandchildren getting to know them. That would be gift enough. To which he says "I have things to do." To which his wife says, "We can do them later." So they came over. Everything was going along fine. Until...(insert scary music of your choice here) One child mom my eye hurts, next child mom my side hurts. OK rub a little dirt on it and get back out there. You don't understand grandpa NEVER comes here unless its Christmas eve. Go play!
Mom of the year right here! So yesterday we went to the medical clinic. The painful eye kid has pink eye and a double ear infection. The painful side kid does not have appendicitis which is good news just a bladder infection. So the days following my fall to the "other side" of life, age wise, I get to wash, rinse, Lysol, repeat. Did I mention my arthritis has kicked in?

Monday, July 14, 2008

A Letter To My Mother

Dear Mom, It's been four years today since you left to be with Jesus. I want you to know there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you. After you left I fell apart. I didn't know how I could possibly go on without you. The pain was so severe I fell into a very deep pit of depression. I want you to know I am better now. The Lord has lifted me from the pit and even though I will always miss you, my life will go on.
The kids are getting so big. You wouldn't believe how big and how beautiful they are. They talk about you and want to hear stories about you. You would be so proud of them. Our boy will be going to school this year, he was just a baby when you left. He has my eyes and beautiful blonde hair. There are so many activities the kids are in and sometimes my mini me reminds me of you. You are still here all around me. I hope I make you proud. I'm so sorry. I really did try very hard. I will always love you.
Love, Me

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Party Planner Extraordinare

I had a party yesterday. Not for any of my children or my husband. I had a party for myself. It was my birthday gift actually. I asked to have a party with all my friends without any husbands or children. A relaxing afternoon by the pool, some nice food, some nice friends and I think a good time was had by all. It is not often as a mother you get to spend time with friends without having constant interruptions by the kids or other responsibilities. I don't want to sound rude, I love my children very much I have dedicated my life to loving and caring for them. However, I do feel as a woman it is important that we nurture ourselves and each other also. The kids also need to see as they get older friendships may change and evolve but in the end a true friend is always there for you. So this party of mine may become an annual event, as one friend thinks it should be, or perhaps a semiannual event.
Who knows perhaps I may become a party planner for other people. I have to grow up and become a career woman eventually. So for all of you that like a party but hate the planning. Let me know. And for all of you skeptics out there who say life is about hard work and having a job you hate. I say, you've never been to a party like mine before, because these parties take a lot of planning and hard work but the key is to make sure everyone has a good time and if you can make it look effortless. Who says life can't be a party?

Friday, July 11, 2008

My Left Arm Returned Now Where Did My Right Arm Go?

Have you ever read the book "Walk Two Moons?" It is a lovely book that I read with my 4th grader this last school year. In the book the mother called her daughter her left arm. She would say something to the effect of "Salamanca Hiddle my left arm." So since we have read this book my 4th grader is my left arm and my 6th grader is my right arm. I suppose I should call them 5th and 7th graders now that is just really hard to admit to. I suppose my kindergartener is my hands or my legs I have no idea. So on with the story. My 5th grader and my 7th grader have both gone to a camp nearby this summer for one week each at different times. My 5th grader went first and had a great time I only received one phone call stating that she was mildly injured and perhaps I could get her to rub a little dirt on it and get back out there as my husband would say. Which is precisely what I told her to do. She was fine and had a great time. When I dropped her off and got out to the car I cried. When we picked her up her sister and I both cried I felt as though my left arm had been missing for a week. My Right Arm gets picked up today. This was her first time going to camp also. A lot harder for her to go than it was for the other one mostly because we made her go. She didn't want to go and when we got there she didn't know anyone there. I received 2 phone called begging me to come get her I refused. After the second phone call I never heard another word from her just a call from a friend working at the camp saying she was having a great time and not to worry she is fine. That was the toughest refusal I have made. I knew once she gave it a chance she would have a great time, however hearing your child cry and not being able to hold her and comfort her was very difficult. It had to be done. I can't wait till my Right Arm comes home today I will hold her and I will cry and she will cry, her sister will probably laugh at us both.

Dancing Queen or Lets See If Those Chicken Wings Can Fly?

Oh the wonderful world of dance. I love dance I really do I love to watch dance I love to dance my self, although I believe I lost all the moves I once had in the postnatal drip. I can "churn the butter," "start the mower," and do "the q-tip"(think Hitch) with the best of them. However never once in my wildest thoughts and hopes and dreams does it occur to me that I want to, at my age, dance on stage for all the world to see. My children dance. All three of them take lessons they take between them perhaps close to every form they offer. Hip Hop, Jazz, Ballet, Musical Theatre, Modern, Lyrical, and my oldest daughter's favorite is Tap. I will and do sit and watch them dance for hours in their recitals twice a year. I drive them to practice after practice, I sit and wait and wait till I think I can't do this anymore.
I sit and talk to other mothers who are waiting for their children to get finished and some of them I have gotten to know quite well. Some of them wanted to take an adult hip hop class this last year and asked me to do this with them. I said no. They joined realized how difficult it was, how expensive it was, and perhaps heard my snickering and quit. I believe everyone should be allowed to take a dance class as long as you are taking it for the right reasons, personal growth, exercise, increased energy, making new friends perhaps. Never because you are middle aged didn't get to make a debut as a child and want to relive the "glory years." NO ONE wants to see that! I certainly don't nor would anyone I know. Dance in your kitchen, living room, heck dance in your back yard you own it who is anyone to judge what you do in your yard as long as it doesn't break any codes or laws, go for it. Personally I dance when no one is around in the privacy of my privacy fence when I'm almost certain no one is around to see me, even my children, who by the way find my dancing hideous and a complete embarrassment.
My point and I do have one, unless you dance as well or better than the dance teacher you should not as an adult be in a dance recital for children. Unless you think people need a nap halfway into the show or want to be comic relief. There I've said my peace. From one chicken winged old woman to another save yourselves the costume money enjoy the dance class then watch the kids from the audience like everyone else.