Saturday, June 26, 2010

Have Pants, Will Wear Correctly!

My family and I just got back from a getaway. My husband and I take our children to an amusement park every year. This year we went to Kings Island and took in a Cincinnati Reds game. A great time was had by all, but on this outing I discovered something quite disturbing. While walking through said amusement park which also has a water park built in, you tend to find many walking around the park in swim attire. Usually with shorts and a shirt covering it up for the girls and shirts with swim trunks for the boys. This year however, I noticed something that had me wanting to report "Houston we have a problem!"

We have all seen those kids with their pants hanging down. American Idol had a contestant this year who had written a song about it. You can buy it on iTunes. "Pants on the ground" is sweeping the nation. What I did not anticipate was to see it venture over to the girls. The shorts are getting so short for girls, if you are getting over the age of 18 you can barely find a pair of shorts that don't look like they belong on a 6 yr. old. But this...this is going a bit too far. I saw more than one girl walking around the park in a bikini top and short shorts that they didn't even bother to zip or button. Honestly? The shorts barely covered the bottoms and if you are just going to leave them open so everyone can see them anyway, why bother? Are the shorts too tight? Were they embarrassed to lie on the ground to get them zipped? Were they too lazy to button them? Did they not have opposable thumbs and were afraid to ask for help? Have we all entered the Garden of Eden and decided to walk around naked? Surely someone has answers to these questions.

As some of you may know when I get ready to leave my house, I think about what I'm wearing. I have seen enough "What Not To Wear" that I can sometimes hear Stacy and Clinton in my head accessing what I've chosen. I try to determine if what I've chosen is appropriate for the occasion. I don't go gallivanting around town looking like I'm going to the gym if the gym isn't my destination. I don't wear short shorts because I'm not 6 yrs old and who wants to see an old lady with the moon coming out of her shorts? I don't wear softball clothes to church, and I wouldn't dream of going to a doctor's office without makeup and some kind of nice clothes because even if you are sick you aren't dead so don't look like it. You get the picture I try to be both age and circumstance appropriate. Also even though I have a wig with long hair that I adore I never wear it in public and sometimes wear it around the house with my tiara so I can feel like a princess. But you didn't hear that part from me.

On Steel Magnolias (only one of the best movies for quotes ever made) one of the gals says she hasn't left the house without Lycra on her thighs since she was a teenager. The other lady says that is because she was raised right! Which leads me to wondering... Who has raised these girls to think it is OK to walk around like that? Honestly doesn't anyone parent their children anymore? Sure you can make the argument that these girls were probably college age as they were with boys and without parents at the amusement park. But what about their upbringing before hand? Did nothing sink in? Didn't their father or mother ever once say "There is no way you are leaving this house looking like that!" As a mother I had an overwhelming desire to get a big towel to cover them up, call their mama's, and tell those boys to close their eyes. What happened to dignity and self respect?

OK I'm old. I am old fashioned. I have daughters who ever once thought about leaving the house or walking around in a public domain like these girls I would tie up and never let them leave again. Of course any boy who even wants to consider taking one of my daughters on a date will have to pass inspection. If they bring them home late? There had better have been a phone call and a tow truck involved. They come in looking at my child inappropriately they can turn right around and leave. This old bird is having none of that! I do know how to swing a frying pan and I'm not afraid to use it. And no boy who ever wants to date my daughter would want to date a girl who walks around with her body on display for the entire world to see.

So please listen to me when I say this. If you are a young gal or even an older gal. Think would you? When you are thinking about what to wear, think to yourselves. Do these pants fasten? Do they cover all vital parts? Do I want to walk around with my chest heaving out so that one wrong move and we have a Janet Jackson Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction? I understand being away from home and not thinking you will see anyone you know. But do you really want people you don't know looking at what God gave you? Seriously, even thinking about going to the OB/GYN makes me nauseous. Therefore I don't go. I cannot imagine the train of thought that goes into dressing so scantily. I don't even wear anything less than a one piece swimsuit in my backyard in my privacy fence if we have company. In fact I won't get in the pool and I wear my cover up the entire time if in mixed company. If I do get in, usually it's because I get pushed in or it's so hot I can't take it but I cover up immediately after getting out. I'm pushing 40 over here, whatever I have left isn't anything anyone wants or needs to see anyway. In fact unless you have a personal trainer, there should be laws against such things. So think girls. Remember, we have clothes for a reason. Use them wisely!

Monday, June 21, 2010

To Chew or Not to Chew

I have a confession I feel I should bring to light. By in large I'm a relatively tame individual. Aside from the daily jam sessions when the children are in school and the fantasies about Edward from Twilight, my existence is rather mild. I take care of our home, raise our children, help with school parties, have wonderfully planned parties for the children, and try to keep my husband happy with processed food from the Schwann man. I don't drink, you can count on one hand the number of drinks I may consume in one year. I don't smoke or chew tobacco and I've never done illegal drugs, in fact remembering to take prescription medication is something I tend to fail at. But I do have one vice that other may find disgusting, in fact my oldest child is completely repulsed by it.

I am a gum chewer. There I said it. I chew gum and I like it. Trident is my favorite because it has something in it that is actually supposed to be good for your teeth for after meal. I chew gum like smokers have a smoke after a meal. I don't just chew the gum either I blow bubbles. In fact I've been known to stay up later just because I'm enjoying chewing my gum so much. I try to control myself when out in public. I'm not a barbarian after all. But I love it. It makes me feel younger. I imagine I'm a teenage kid again walking around the block chewing bubble gum.

I have fond memories of gum as a child. When I was a kid my great grandmother always had hubba bubba or bubblicious bubble gum waiting for me when I would go to her house. It represents a happier time of childhood.

Perhaps I just have a chewing problem. I wonder what psychologists would say about my incessant chewing? It's a good way to curb hunger. You can chew and chew and not have to worry about getting hungry and eating calories you can't afford to obtain. So in all actuality I'm doing it for health reasons as I'm 15 lbs overweight and if I gain any more weight I can forget about ever wearing a swimsuit this summer. Also if you chew Trident like I said before it has xylitol and is recommended by the ADA so it is good for your teeth as well as a keeping your mind off food making it a win win scenario. Say what you will, say it's a disgusting habit, say that I'm deluding myself, it doesn't matter but hey while you are at the store can you pick me up a pack of gum? I'm running a little low and sweet mint is my favorite. Thanks!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

The Theater Loves Me...Sorta

My two youngest children are going to be in the local theater's production of Willy Wonka this summer. We are all VERY excited. This is the first time they have participated in the civic theater so going in we knew nothing about procedures or even really any of the people there. So of course it was extremely exciting when one of them gets a main character role. Tonight I did learn something though. Apparently the length of time it takes me to feel comfortable in the theater around virtual strangers is equivalent to: two auditions and one full read through. Tonight was the second rehearsal and I was talking to people as though we were long lost friends. Perhaps at times they looked at me as though I were the long lost friend they abandoned because they thought I was crazy, but long lost friends nonetheless.

I have spent the week trying to get all my chores done around the house, fit in time individually with each one of the children each day, finish something, anything really (which has yet to happen as the laundry is continuous as is every other chore on the list, as well as any extras), getting ready for rummage, getting 4H projects ready for turning in. I think it's possible given that I'm normally very reserved around people I don't really know that I was just so excited to have some adults to talk to I got a little carried away. I suppose it is possible that other adults do not adapt that quickly with people they hadn't laid eyes on before last week. The upside to all of this given the fact that it is entirely possible that they will all be trying not to sit in my general area, is that I will at least be known for something in the theater that is perhaps not that bad. I could be the overbearing parent wanting their child to be the star and be completely strict on time constraints, or I could be the indifferent parent that acts like they don't want to be there and that it is a waste of my time to even show up, nope not me I'm the parent who thinks we are all new besties and that wants to help with sets and things as the director once said that they may need help with that sort of thing. Oh and the one who may just be crazy. But I'm now known in the theater and in my mind they love me. Who wouldn't? The theater is full of crazy people I should fit right in!