Thursday, February 25, 2016

Happy 64th Birthday Mom!

February 25, 2016

Dear Mom,

You would have turned 64 today.  I wonder what you would have looked like?  Would you still color your hair? (Probably)  Would you wear it short or longer?  To my mind's eye you are frozen in time, forever 52, forever beautiful, forever youngish.  Would you have moved south with us or would you still be angry that we left?  So many questions left unanswered until we meet again.

Your grandchildren are getting so grown up.  Your oldest is going to be twenty.  Can you believe that?  M is finished with high school and preparing for college. and P, our baby who you never saw with hair, is taller than everyone in the house.  You would be so proud of them.  They would have driven your nut as they are just and sarcastic and snarky as their mother but you would have loved them deeply.

It was a moment, a blink of an eye, we were all together.  We were having lasagna for Christmas Eve, we were eating the best cookies and candies ever made, we were shopping for nothing in particular, we were arguing because we were both right ALL. THE. TIME., we were talking on the phone while I made dinner, you were coming over for dinner, the kids were spending the night.  It was a moment a lifetime ago and you were gone. I woke up and you weren't there and you weren't coming back.  I want to call you.  I want to tell you about our day.  I want to hear about your friends.  I want to argue with you because that's how I knew you cared.

We would be planning your birthday dinner for tonight.  I imagine you being tan and being here and taking you to our favorite place for shrimp here.  I can see you in your yellow swimsuit you wore the year we went to Surf side beach in South Carolina. I can see you sitting at the table drinking your coffee and chewing on your pinky finger like you used to do when you were tired.  I can hear you asking me what I want to do next.  Your voice is ingrained in my heart as well as your smile.

I'm sad but it isn't crippling anymore.  I can see past my last year with you.  I can remember all the fun times and smile because I was blessed enough to have you as my mother.  You were young and not ready to be a mother but you were perfect in your presence.  You were there for everything.  You didn't miss a beat and you had a look that could stop me cold in my tracks.  Oh how I wish I had inherited that.  I wish so many things.

Wishing is not futile however, because I have the certainty that I will see you again.  Until that day I'm sure your party in heaven is going to be amazing.  Have a great day and know that I love you always.