I am on a roller
coaster. The peaks are as high as the sky will permit and the lows go to
the depths of the center of the earth. I've never been one for roller
coasters. I'm scared of heights and I much prefer simulated rides because
I can always look to see where I am and that I am safe. My emotions have
run the gamut that a human can endure. It is a mind game really.
The inner ninja warrior I want to be fights with the scared shell of a human
that I really might be.
The thing is that my
husband and I both work in a pharmacy. Both. In the middle of a
pandemic where we are considered essential employees and yet we are not listed
on the prayer lists because people forget that the sick people no matter what
is wrong with them, if they aren't hospitalized, end up in the pharmacy. In all
actuality sometimes people go to the pharmacist first to avoid going to the
doctor. All our children are home, all of their jobs closed, and
sometimes I feel like I'm under water and I can't find the surface because of
the fear I might catch a virus and bring it home to my family.
The mind can go off in
many different directions in a time like this. If you think about it hard
enough you can almost will something to be wrong with you. You can think
that anything is a symptom of the worst possible illness. The internet is
no help. If you work at it hard enough you can get WebMD to convince you
that you are dying and all you have is a cramp from working muscles that you
don't normally work.
I take my temperature
every day. That's new. When we arrive home after working, we come in
through the garage. We wipe down/spray down everything we have with us.
We strip down and put our clothes in the washer, shut the lid then wrap in a
towel and scurry off to shower and put on fresh clothes before we can sit or
even talk to our family. That's new. I analyze every emotion.
That's not new. I feel guilty for emotions that I do have. I am
disappointed because my plans were cancelled for my 25th wedding anniversary
and I feel guilty for being disappointed. Who am I to feel such
disappointment when others are going through far worse? I talked to my
friend about this and she said it is ok to be disappointed. It is not ok
to live there.
Here is the thing...it
is ok to run the gamut of emotions. It is ok to be depressed because you
can't go visit friends and family. It is ok to be missing going to
work. I miss going to my main job of working at preschool. It is ok
to miss taco Tuesday at your favorite Mexican restaurant. It is all
ok. It is not ok to live there. When I can think logically, which
admittedly comes and goes, I know this. All of these things are inconvenient.
Imagine what this would have been like in the 90's before we could use modern
technology like Zoom, or Facetime, or Skype. Imagine schools closing for
the rest of the school year without anything but dial up internet. Imagine
going through this having to wait until after 9 p.m. when talking on the cell
phone was free.
It is easy to get caught
up in all that is wrong. It is easy to sit in quarantine watching the
news and criticize who is doing what right and who is doing what wrong. I
can't do it. I am aware of what is happening, but I cannot, nor will I
sit and focus on these things 24 hours a day because I will lose my mind.
I tend to think there is a better lesson here.
My husband was talking
to his dad and trying to reassure him, he told him that he thought we would all
be back to normal by November or December. I thought about this and honestly,
I hope not. I don't think our normal was really working for us. If
you take a minute and look around for the good you will see families spending
more time together. You will see neighbor helping neighbor. You
will see entire communities rallying around people who are in need. You
will see that people are waking up to the fact that we are far too
"self" focused in our culture. I get it. I fall into the trap of
busy and disappointment in my own things as well. Clearly.
But God. If I take
what I know about God and who He is and apply it to what is happening in the
world instead of listening to the noise of other people's opinions, I can
focus. I can get centered on what I know instead of what I feel.
The world is in utter chaos, but God has gone before us and already knows the
outcome. Someone I know is fighting COVID19, but God has heard the prayers of many,
and he is making strides toward recovery. The He IS part of God must take
over in my mind. Maybe you don't struggle like I do. I have seen so many
things saying that we are all in this together, but we are not all having the
same experiences or reactions to it. I must remember God is.
Whether I take every precaution and my husband takes every precaution and
something still happens to one or both of us whether it be an illness or
accident or anything the enemy can put in our minds to worry about, God
is. Not God was. Not God will be. God is good on his
promises. God is still in the miracle business. God is.
Please stay home and let
all of the people who are considered essential do their jobs. Be thankful
that there are people who are willing to fight on the front lines for you.
People willing to drive trucks and deliver supplies, people working in grocery
stores, restaurants, doctors, nurses, pharmacists, pharmacy staff, the list
could go on and on, anyone you can possibly think of. Pray for them. Do
what you can do to support them. Stay home, stay healthy, pray. There
isn't much else you can do. Take a break from the news and play a game
with your kids. Read a book for fun. Take your mind off things you have
no control over, take a deep breath and remember that God is.
