Sunday, July 20, 2008

Wanted Dead or Alive?

Dear Diary,
In this update I would love to say something witty or funny. I would love to be fantastically profound. However, all I can say is my cousin borrowed a car drove to my other cousins home for some reason then as he was driving back he drove into a tree and died. I received this phone call from my uncle this evening while out to dinner and returned the phone call right before heading into the movies to see Wanted. I have to go and hold it all together again tomorrow.
In the last eight years in my family we have lost my grandmother, my cousins little girl, my aunt, my mother, my other aunt, and now one of my cousins. That is all on my mother's side of the family. Last year my grandfather on my dad's side of the family died and I had a miscarriage. We have had our share of losses for sure.
While watching this movie which is about pretty much a bunch of people killing each other, it occurs to me, why, while sure its entertaining to watch Angelina Jolie drive a car hanging out the front window while shooting guns, should we watch people die on the big screen while people are dying all around us. I have been to more funerals than I care to remember. The name of that movie proposes a quandary really. Wanted, wanted for what? Wanted to love? Wanted to kill? What ARE we wanted for? Well I will tell you what I am wanted for. I am wanted to hold it together. That is my job. It's what I do. My grandmother had seven children two are still living. Seven grandchildren six still living. I can't help but question my mortality at a time like this. I am certain that I am not the only one who wonders who will be next. I will go tomorrow and hold everyone together while they make decisions they should not have to make. Where will he be buried?, who will perform the service?, who is in charge?, why did this happen?, can we get a group rate?
Seriously, can we? We have had enough funerals in our family at this mortuary we should start getting discounts. They already know what music to play. They already have the guest list. They have seen our faces so many times we should be invited to the company bar-b-cue. We help pay the bills.
I will carry the tissues, hold the hands and tell them all that I am so sorry and that it is going to be OK. We will get through this. And do you know how I know this? Because we are professionals at this. We will get through this because it is what we do. We get through this and get through this and get through this quite a bit. I am the oldest grandchild. Out of the seven grandchildren only two still have a mother. I am 36 am I the mother to the clan? No one calls me or comes to visit unless it is a holiday that sounds about right for adult children who don't think their mother approves of their life style doesn't it?
Hmm, Wanted? I know I am wanted. My husband and my children want me. God wants me too. I have spent some time thinking about what God wants me to do. Thirty six years actually. I still am not sure. But I think it has something to do with taking care of my family and perhaps making sure others know they're wanted too. I'm not sure how it works. My cousin was given up by his mother and adopted by her sister when he was three. His sister was passed between my aunt, my mother, my grandmother, and foster homes. I wonder if they have ever felt wanted. Did anyone ever tell them they were wanted? I wonder how anyone knows they are wanted. My mother cared for me and raised me my whole life. My father came for birthdays and Christmas'. I never once felt wanted. My father had things to do. My mother was married to a man who didn't like children. I had a mother who I know loved me and father who I have always known loved me but didn't always know how to express it. I have never once felt wanted. How on earth could those two kids ever feel wanted with all they went through as children? There is a difference between feeling loved and truly wanted. I hope with all my might my children know how wanted they are. I love them and want them with all that I am and all that I hope to be. I say hope to be because I know God is not finished with me yet.
I hope you all know that God loves and wants all of you. You are WANTED!