From my Daily Guidepost yesterday: "The place God calls you to be is the place where your deep gladness and the world's great hunger meet." "Don't be compelled to do what you should do, ought to do, must do, have to do, don't want to do. Rather, get in touch with your greatest gladness and be free to go do it." Frederick Buechner wrote those words as quoted by Scott Walker in my Daily Guidepost.
So I have to ask: What brings you deep gladness? Do you know? Have you thought about it? I suppose I would be remiss if I didn't tell you that what brings me deep gladness is not necessarily something I do or have accomplished, for I may never accomplish it, but more an idea of what I envision. The idea of bringing joy to others, making someone think, smile, maybe wonder, brings me deep gladness. The idea that maybe at least one time maybe I said the right thing or did the right thing.
I flail through life. I mostly go along thinking that I am failing most of the time. I should have said this or I should have done that. Did I do what I should have, could have, would have? Did I really yell at the kids again? Did I mess up another meal? Why is it so impossible for me to stay on top of the laundry? I finally have an oven with a self clean option and I am scared to use it. How crazy is that? Why can't I just turn to God when under stress and rest in His arms instead of turning to food? Am I alone in this?
I don't have any of those answers. I don't know really what my call is. I don't know if I am making an impact on the world or if I will come to the end of my life and people will remember me or if I will just fade away not even worthy of a single memory...or at least a memory worth remembering.
When I pray, I pray to be a small light. I pray that maybe I can be a glimmer of light...a light that shines not on me but through me and others will see Jesus through me. In the morning I pray that I can be a blessing. That I can do my job well and that I might make someone smile or think or know that I care. My heart longs to see Jesus and to have others see Jesus through me and yet I know that I am human and sometimes I get overwhelmed in life and I fail to cling to the One that my soul longs for. Instead of shining a light I hide under a blanket and hope to disappear.
There was a full moon last night and the kids at school were wild and crazy and out of control. I subbed today and I felt completely overwhelmed and out of my league. But then at the end of the day as I was in my room talking to a teacher, another teacher walked in to my room and handed me a baggy with Hershey Kisses in it. On the bag was a note with a reference to a Bible verse. Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."
This makes me think maybe even if I don't realize it, God is directing my path, like maybe I am here for a reason and I may not know why God has placed me in this job or given me the family I have or the personality I have or even the opportunity to share with you and maybe I don't have to know. I just have to trust that He knows and He has a plan for what comes next. It doesn't really matter what anyone else says or thinks about what we do, only that we are doing what brings us deep gladness and in that gladness we know that we are also bringing God joy because our Father delights in His children. What brings us deep gladness was placed in us by Him who created everything about us. So it doesn't matter what we should do, could do, would do, it only matters what we are willing to do for Him and in turn we will find our deep gladness and bring Him joy. The impact that I may or may not make in this world is only measured by God and if I allow Him to direct my path there is no limit to what He can do.
All of that being said, I began the day completely overwhelmed by the day ahead. I spent a great deal of my day overwhelmed and I ended my day exhausted, spent, and feeling a bit like I totally bombed the day. And then I got a reminder that I am loved and I need not worry in the form of some Hershey Kisses and a note from a friend and a reminder from God.