This morning I found myself crying while getting ready for work. It occurred to me that it was Friday. While I am excited about it being the end of the week, I am also very distraught about it being the end of another week. The time seems to pass so quickly now. Time is a funny thing, isn't it? When we are younger we can't wait to grow up and move on with our lives and as we get older we only wish for more time.
My daughter is a senior. Yesterday she brought home order forms for graduation invites, thank you cards, and all the other things that apparently we must have in order to graduate. It was then that I realized that this is really happening. She was a cute little blonde in pig tails telling me she was a big girl and that she had to get on the bus to go to school. That was yesterday. I remember it so clearly and then I blinked and this young lady is preparing to end her time in high school and move on to the next phase of her life.
I asked her this morning if it was OK for me to be excited for her and yet sad for me. She will be leaving to go to college and her sister won't be far behind her. Their brother, who was our surprise child, will be all that is left to keep me running around and doing mother things. Running a kid taxi from this activity to the next. Going to school functions and helping with homework. I have no idea how to prepare a meal for only three people.
We were married in May, my husband and I. We got pregnant in June and found out in July. I have been pregnant or caring for children almost from the beginning of our marriage. We didn't have the time, that people who understand where babies come from and try to prevent them when they are first married get. We jumped right in full throttle and started our family. I think I am afraid mostly because I haven't yet figured out what my life is going to look like once they are all gone. What if once we are alone and have no one else to take care of he decides he doesn't like me? When we have no one to team up against in a battle between us and the kids is no longer an option, what then?
My husband is very self reliant and so much smarter than I am. He doesn't need me to do anything for him. He can survive without me and the realization that my children are no longer going to need me either is terrifying. If I'm not needed, what is my purpose in life? What do I do with my time? The fact of the matter is that perhaps they have never needed me as much as I have needed them. Is that sad? It might be.
All of these realizations as I approach these next milestones with my children and myself have been a road to self discovery. Interesting how we continually search for ourselves long after we are adults and yet what do we really need to know? How much do we need to know about ourselves that we cannot find out from God? As I think about all of the changes and the unknown, I hear a whisper of a song from my internal playlist. Matthew West and his song that says: Hello My Name is Child of the One True King plays in my head and I think maybe that is all I need to know. Maybe that is the journey. The journey for all of us is to discover who we are in Christ. What His purpose is for us and not dwell on the unknown but search for what we ultimately know...that who we are and our purpose is to be His children and lean not on our own understanding but to put our trust in Him who understands.