I have been getting a firm talking to I believe. I have often struggled with determining whether or not I am listening to me or God. How does one know? How do you determine if what you are thinking is God's will for you or your own will for your life. I have not the answer. All I can tell you is that I have been reading Quitter by Jon Acuff. This book is killing me...slowly. Do not misunderstand me. Mr. Acuff is brilliant. I really enjoy everything I have ever read by him. The problem lies in that I am struggling to get through this book that seems to be speaking to me directly. As if somehow Mr. Acuff interviewed my husband or perhaps by best friend who knows everything and did a case study based on my life.
If you know me you know that I am a reader. I read usually a book a week. This book is taking me weeks. Which is a problem because I have a stack of books waiting for me to get to them. I read this book and I have to stop and read portions of it to my husband or my best friend or one of my kids and say "does this sound familiar to you about me?" Let me be first to assure Mr. Acuff that he is not the first person to feel a need to seek counseling because of a blog. While my counsel has come from my friend Christi and not a professional, I too have recognized a problem within myself in this journey of writing. Checking stats can get out of hand. As if this weren't enough I just got back from the Women of Faith conference.
Can I just say here how much I LOVE Women of Faith. It was my first ever time attending and I cannot wait to go back. The speakers were great. The music was great. The company I was in was great. I loved every bit of it. Did you know that I am not the only person to struggle with fear? Because I was pretty sure I was the only one. I learned so much this weekend. Sheila Walsh said “With God you get to come as you are and you don't have to keep your tail straight.” Don't you just love that? For someone as broken as I have been, that just speaks to me. Nicole Johnson said “Often great value is found in the broken pieces.” Did you know that you could still be valuable even when you have been broken? Truly? I guess I knew that when in relation to other people. I can look at someone else and see so much potential. I think I could even speak to someone one on one (never in front of 10,000 people like these women did) and tell them that it's OK God knows everything. He knows your heart, He knows everything you've ever done, everything you've ever thought and He loves you anyway. He wants you to come to him anyway. He can heal your wounds. He can bind your heart. And while I know that that means me too, I tend to forget that. I didn't grow up in a Christian home. I went to church with friends. But you know what? I'm not nearly that special. My sins are my sins and your sins are yours but to God they are all just sins. None worse than the other, yet He wants me and you anyway.
I have talked to my friend Christi about all of this. I asked her how I was to know if it was God speaking to me or me speaking to me. She tried to explain it to me. She also said when I stop trying to put my rules on everything then I would be able to hear Him more clearly. I think mostly the fact that currently I am scared to death at the prospect of what I think He is telling me, it must be Him. Christi also reminded me that God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called. I'm still not sure what He is telling me to do. But I guess I better stop using the call waiting and the caller ID and just answer the call, whatever it is.