For the last week or so I have been having an interview....every night. Perhaps that sounds odd and to be honest it started out that way. It seems odd to go to bed and every night when you lay down and close your eyes the interview begins. I suppose I should say that I did have an actual job interview this week so the thought of that coming and then the disappointment of being so stunned at my surroundings during the interview and not being able to think clearly enough to say all I wanted to say has added to my subconscious's way of dealing with that disappointment. As the nightly interviews began before that I think it has more to do with my perception of my worth.
To say that I have issues would be an understatement. I teeter between complete disdain and Meghan Trainer's Me Too when thinking of myself. Mostly I hover closer to the prior than the latter. My perception of success has been askew. It has not always been this way...or maybe it has. Most recently I have been looking for a job. I've been looking on job finding websites and when I find something that sounds like fun I click to get the details. As it turns out I do not meet the qualifications for most of the jobs that I find interesting. Computers will always be my downfall.
When I went for an actual interview this week I didn't get to say all the things I had thought I'd say. Mostly because I was uncomfortable with my surroundings. I am not accustomed to being alone in a room with men I do not know. Honestly, to be fair, I'm not used to being alone in a room with any man aside from my husband. In general, I'm uncomfortable with men, a trait I'm trying to overcome. The manner in which I grew up has a lot to do with that. The programming I received during my formative years has made me leery and distrustful of the male species. My husband and other male family members such as my son, my father in law, and my late grandfather being the exception. What I learned from my father is that men leave and I am disposable. What I learned from my mother's ex-husband was that I was ugly, worthless, and I would never amount to anything. All things that I know are not true but also things that like to creep in when I'm not paying attention.
So every night I have been interviewing when my eyes close. I cannot see the interviewer. I can only hear a voice. The interview that I imagine starts out the same way every time. They ask me about my experience. Much like my actual interview when I explained that I had worked with children in a school and prior to that I had spent eleven years as a stay at home mom raising my children, I get the look. Perhaps you have seen the look before yourself. The look that says "Oh so you have not been working. As if raising three children and taking care of a household is not work. As if it is just...nothing." What I am learning during these interviews however, is that it is not nothing. I may have spent a great majority of my adulthood raising my family and not working outside the home but it has been one of the hardest job that I can imagine one having.
My life experiences have been plenty. I know what it is to have a child and have no idea what I'm doing. I know what it is to have two under two and in diapers. I know what it is to have those same two go through puberty and get introduced to "Aunt Flo" way to early in their young lives and if that doesn't strike fear and make one learn to deal with adversity I don't know what does. I know what it is to have the surprise baby when you thought you were done and going back to the diaper stage again. I know what it is to watch a loved one's health decline and stand beside them during their diagnosis. I know what it is to hold that person's hand and feel the life leave them. I know what it is to suffer loss. I know what it is to fall. I know what it is to fight and claw your way back and then fall again because the promise of a fourth child falls away because that child was so special God needed to keep him for himself. I know what it is fight my way back again and again. I know what it is to fail. I know what it is uproot and start over away from everything and everyone I ever knew and I know the loneliness that can bring to not only yourself but those around you. I know how to keep a schedule for five people and be responsible for their well-being. I know a wealth of things. Things that aren't listed in job descriptions. Things that make me feel weak to the point of crippling and things that make me strong too. Things I would like to explain when I get "the look" especially from a man who looks at me like growing a human and giving birth to one is easy even though he cannot do it.
I've had a hard time seeing it. I have felt like I was failing at the job I've had for nearly twenty one years and even if I'm not and even if I know many things I am still unqualified to work outside of my home because I don't meet the requirements they are looking for. Many people will say that anyone can have a family. Teenagers have babies. Crack addicts have babies. Having babies for some is easy. I know many who would give anything for the privilege because they are unable. They would make wonderful mothers and I pray one day that they will one day become mothers. It is something that when growing up I never aspired to be. It wasn't in my plan but it was in God's plan and I am blessed beyond measure to be given the opportunity to be their mother. During my interview last night I was reminded of a few things. All of my days were written before I ever came to be. Nothing I have experienced or am experiencing is a surprise to God. Also, of all the people that He could have chosen to be the mother to these three children He chose me. A fact that I should not take lightly. Why He would choose me for anything I have no idea but what that means is that He thought I was the best one for the job. He CHOSE me. I saw saying this week that said " I don't have ducks, I don't even have rows, I have squirrels and they are at a rave." I'm not sure where it came from originally another author I follow shared it, then I shared it because it was basically describing me.
Every night I interview and every night I learn a little more about who I am and my worth. But I also am learning that when I interview I already know what I can bring to the table. What I need to find out is what my potential employer brings. I want to know what they stand for. I want to know how they value their employees. I want to know if they value teamwork. I want to know if they are open to new ideas. I want to know if they know who they work for because I already know who I'm working for and it isn't a stuffy CEO in a suit somewhere that has no idea what it is to do the jobs that he oversees. I work for the CEO of the entire world. Ultimately He is who I answer to and who I work for so when I come into a job situation I am going to work as though I am working to please Him. I am going to treat people how I would want to be treated. I am going to treat people as though they are valuable because they are whether they are co-workers or customers or patients or whoever. God made them and they have value and I want to work for a company that knows that. I want to work for a company that is more interested in doing the right thing than the bottom line. I want to work for someone who respects family because my family will always come before any other job I may acquire.
I am learning that I may be interviewing for a job but they are interviewing with me as well because I do have value no matter what my resume might say. What I lack in experience I make up for in spunk and spunky people get things done. I'm starting to like these nightly interviews. I'm learning quite a bit. I do hope they start getting shorter though as I'd like to get a good nights sleep before my next actual interview which happens to be tomorrow. We'll see if we pass each other's tests.