This week I received a job offer. It is interesting the way of the world and how things are done now as opposed to how things were done before. It is also interesting that I am old enough and make it sound as though I have so much experience in how things were done when in all actuality I have very little experience. I have interviewed and received jobs before but I have never gotten an offer for a job via email. Is this what it is like when girls get asked out on dates via text? Do people really not do things in person anymore?
Anyway....I received my job offer via email and had to accept it or deny it (circle yes if you like me and no if you don't) and then receive further instructions via email as to my next steps. As I type this it makes it sound like it involves much more intrigue than it actually does. It sounds like a mystery or perhaps that is only how my mind works? My next step was to approve a background check then go get a drug test.
I have been a mother for close to twenty one years. While I have had just a few part time jobs in that time frame I mostly worked for and with people I knew and while I did have to have a background check to work at the schools I do not recall having a drug test. Point being...I was a newby to the drug test and had no idea how it worked. I did know I was going to have to pee in a cup but I didn't really understand the gravity of the situation. I have never been exposed to drugs, I hate the taste of alcohol and even my coffee is decaf. I showed up with my work out clothes on so I could go to the gym right after. I had an arm band with my ID and gym membership card and a belt that can only hold my phone around my waist plus my shorts didn't have pockets.
I checked in and when I was called she asked me if I had to go. I said, "Well... I have to go in the way that I'm old and I usually have to go but I don't have to go like gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now." (I do believe it is possible at this point she tried to restrain herself from rolling her eyes) She says, "Well you have to be able to give me this much." and indicates how much with her fingers. I say, "How big is the container?" and again she indicates with her fingers and says, "If you can't give a full sample you have to wait around for forty five minutes then try again." OK now this is when I started to panic. How does one know for sure how much they are going to produce at any one time? I remember giving samples when pregnant. I remember giving samples when I had bladder infections. I do not remember ever having a quota to fill regarding giving samples. I am then asked if I want to try or if I want to drink some more water. Lets be real here for a minute, ok? I am forty four years old and I have birthed three children via c-section. Everything I have has fallen or shifted or been moved around and put back in some way from where it once was. In addition to that I drink a full gallon of water a day so I usually have to go to the bathroom. I have to go to the bathroom regularly. Like to the point I think of The Santa Claus movie with Tim Allen and he says, "I shave in the morning and in the afternoon I look like this!" I go before I leave the house and by the time I drop my son off at school and get to the gym I have to go again. My ability to go is not in question here. My ability to produce a sufficient amount that my husband who is waiting to go to the gym with me and would really rather this not take all day is now in question. The pressure was real. I chose to drink a bit more water just to be sure.
I chugged water for maybe ten minutes and people started filing into the facility so I figured I had better get a move on and get this over with. I told her I was ready and was told to go wait in a room and she would be there in a minute. Had I known the room would be the temperature of a meat locker I could have saved us the trouble of me downing as much water as I could for ten minutes. I waited....and waited. Finally she comes in and walks me into a room, tells me to empty my pockets and lock up all of my belongings and bring her the key. OK??? Is she afraid I will spend time playing 7 Little Words on my phone while I potty? I cannot very well do that and hold the cup can I? But whatever... I did as told and I said, "I'm sorry, I'm new and I don't know how all this works." She says, "You've never had a drug test?" I said, "Uh no, I've been a bit busy being a mom." She says, "Well I guess there are people who have never had one." She gets my information, I sign my life away and am then released to give my sample. I am proud to say I was able to give my full sample. I also wasn't allowed to flush or turn on the water to wash my hands until I gave her the sample. So gross!
I am naive of the ways of the world I suppose. When I told my husband about it and asked him where on earth on my person would I have been able to bring the pee of another he said, "You'd be surprised. People do crazy things." I imagine he has heard his share of stories. Although now that I think of it. People do do crazy things. My daughter while working at a fast food restaurant had a guy take a cup for ketchup and pee in it and bring it to the counter and hand it to her and tell her it was his sample for a drug test. She was so grossed out I think she is only now getting over it. She washed her hands and sterilized them nonstop for weeks.
I have been very lucky in this life to have worked when I was able and wanted to with some great people and I have been very lucky and blessed to have been able to stay home and raise my family. I recognize that not everyone is able to do so when they want to. This hiring process has been different from anything I have ever experienced. It has made for some good stories though. I'm excited and nervous and a little bit scared of this new adventure. I'm hoping to meet some great new people and make some new friends. My last job was the best job in the world. I'm hoping this next one will at least be in the ball park. If not the job itself but in the relationships I will have the ability to build while working with new people. I'm a person who enjoys being around people. I also enjoy being of help to people. I am an acquired taste though. Not everyone speaks fluent sarcasm and not everyone speaks in movie quotes. We'll see how it goes. For now I am waiting for my next email for further instruction...I think. I does sound mysterious to say it that way...very True Lies. I wonder what adventure I will have next?