Can you think of nothing? Just sit and shut the mind off. I can't do it. I'm incapable of not thinking. Oh how I wish I could. Tonight we went to my uncle's house for a Thanksgiving dinner. We haven't had Thanksgiving with my mother's side of the family for at least a decade. I took apple salad without the pecans that my grandma put in when she made it. She would sit and chop them by hand with a knife. So many memories.
The hands of time...the entire family dynamic has changed. It looks nothing like it did when I was growing up. It's OK, there is just a slightly different group of people who don't know a lot about each other who gather to and love each other and eat until they are half sick. We ARE an American family even if we are far off from where we once were. Every Sunday of my childhood my entire family would gather at my grandma's for lunch. Now grandma is gone, mom is gone, both aunts are gone, and I have two uncles I know nothing about. This year it was my uncle who was married to my aunt for over twenty years before she died, his new wife, her daughter, his three kids and their families from his previous marriage before my aunt, one of my cousins from my aunt and her kids, my other cousin's daughter who flew in from Florida, and us.
On Thanksgiving we had lunch with my husband's family, then went to see my dad's side of the family. I suppose you could say that we have made the rounds to see the family this year.
We are moving. And by moving I don't mean to just another house in the same general vicinity as where we live now. No, we are moving four states away. While I am excited about our new adventure, I am also completely overwhelmed by logistics and to do lists. I haven't moved in 15 years. I know exactly 7 people in this new state. I know this is going to sound crazy but I'm afraid I will go take a walk once we move and get lost and not know how to get back to the house. Then what? What if I don't remember the address? I can't remember the make of the car I drive half the time and I've had that car for well over a year. This is a move we have dreamed about for ten or so years and didn't know when or how it would ever happen and I'm worried I will get lost if I take a walk. It's ridiculous. I get that.
There is also the part where I am going to miss my job. I love my job so much. It's the best gig if you can get it. Third graders are hilarious. Plus, the people I work with, for the most part, well...they get me. They accept my silliness.
Then there is the friends thing. I mean as I said I know seven people in this new state. I have several friends here. I'm kind of an acquired taste. I mean do they speak sarcasm there? Will they get my movie quotes? Will they accept my singing in church, not in the front but at my seat, even though I am really bad at it? Family is required to love you but strangers not so much.
What of the children? My son is going to go to another school. He is very likable. If he takes up a new sport like lacrosse are there people who will explain to me how that game works? If he makes so many friends he is rarely home, will he remember how to get back to the house? Will my girls ever leave the house?
An example of how I can't just think about nothing:
I am moving, my grandma on my dad's side is in the hospital she is not doing well, I have blood work Monday I have to remember to go take care of, I have a procedure on the eleventh, I need more boxes, I have more Christmas shopping to do but I don't know when to do it, how do you move medical records to a new doctor if you don't have a new doctor yet?, will another school hire me, how can I make this move easiest on my family?, How can we get there in the car without my oldest getting car sick?, How is my aunt doing taking care of everything for my grandma?, Why is she left to take care of everything all the time? It's ridiculous that her siblings don't do more to help her out, they are all retired, she works full time. I wonder if the schools down there hire you full time or part time? I wish mom were here. Speaking of mom, some kids at school call me mama, or ma, or mamacita, how will they do when I leave? Who will love them and take care of them? Will they remember me once I leave? Who will hug the nurse on Thursdays when she comes to school? Who will close the milk cooler at lunch? Who will randomly give the secretary cheesy smiles? Speaking of cheese where to do you go to buy groceries? If I wrote another book, what would I call it?
That was just a small sampling of the things that run through my mind at any given moment.
I don't know how all this works out. All I know is that I'm full of questions but confident there are answers and God holds them all. So if you wouldn't mind so much, I would appreciate your prayers for all of the changes for our family, but mostly for my grandma and my aunt who does the brunt of the work to make sure she is taken care of.