Do you remember your dreams? I tend to not remember mine. If I wake up remembering a dream by the time I walk into the restroom I've forgotten it already. Usually I don't think I do dream. My oldest daughter dreams about every night. She remembers them, usually in detail. I have a friend who can do that as well.
The entire idea for the Twilight series came from a dream that Stephenie Meyer had. Yes, I read the Twilight series. Yes, at one time I loved every single one of them. Now, I'm over it. I got caught up in the hoopla of it all. As someone who writes, I am envious of the gift of being able to remember your dreams.
This morning however, was different. I was mid-dream when I awoke. In my dream I was sitting in a chair among hundreds of people. There was a stage and the stage was surrounded by chairs filled with people. I stood up with my papers in my hand and headed to the stage. I walked up on stage and knelt down next to the lady who had asked me to come and speak and whispered, "umm...this looks like a lot more than twenty five women." She replied, "Yes, I know honey but they are here, are you ready?" I told her I may throw up and I should pee first. I looked up at the crowd and when I went to stand up I woke up.
On Tuesday I will be speaking to a group called the Department Club. I have known this was coming since July. In July, I grumbled and fussed and told God I was certain that He needed someone else. In the end, I agreed to do it. The funny thing about this is that I haven't really been all that worried about it. I think that is what scares me. I have a genuine fear of public speaking but what if that goes away? What would I hide behind then?
This woman in my dream who I haven't even met in person, only talked to on the telephone in my real life asked the most poignant question of me ever. Are you ready? Am I? I have no idea. How does one know if they are ready? How does one know if they can really do something for God and do it well? I suppose that is where trust comes in. How much do you trust God? The One who created the heavens and the earth and even me, how much do I or can I trust Him? Are you ready?
I live in the land of What Ifs. I have spoken in public a total of three times now and I never eat before hand because I am afraid of losing control of bodily functions. Would that happen? I suppose it could. It is unlikely but what if? What if I forget what I'm saying in the middle? What if I'm not interesting? What if I'm not funny? What if no one shows up? What if too many show up? Scarier what if I really bomb and I let down not only the people who have come to hear what I have to say but I also let God down int he process? Scarier yet what if I'm actually good at it and I have to do it again?
Am I ready? I don't know. Am I? I have been thinking about speaking to these women since July. I know what I want to talk about. All day I have thought about that dream. What happens next? It's like a cliff hanger only instead of a television show it is my life. Did I go pee then come back and do well? Did I go pee then throw up on stage or in the restroom? What happened or happens next? My greatest downfall is wanting to know the outcome instead of just trusting God to lead me where he wants me. I have to always question it. Always analyze it. Always argue about it. My best friend once asked me what would happen if I didn't throw a fit and just did what I was told. I told her it was my process. God knows it's coming, if I don't throw my fit he will think he got the wrong girl. The ridiculous thing about that is that that is usually my argument. He has the wrong girl.
My favorite verse is Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Do you see the irony? My favorite verse goes completely against my control issues. I always want to know the outcome and yet...maybe I don't need to. Maybe I need to accept that God knows the outcome and quit trying to take control. He has control. I don't have to. I'm a slow learner but I think I'm starting to get it. I don't get commissioned to go alone. I am only being asked to go and allow Him to do His thing through me. I have to learn to stop taking God out of it and start taking me out of it. It's not about me.
I was raised an only child. I have only child tendencies but what a relief it is to know that in this instance, it isn't about me. It is about doing what God asks me to do. I don't need to panic, I need to get with the program. So...am I ready? I'm shaking in my boots, but my boots are made for walkin'.