Sunday, June 7, 2020

Wear a Mask and Come Alone

The text read "Upon entrance a representative will ask questions & take temperature w/ a non-contact thermometer.  Please wear a mask  or one will be provided to you.  Please ask companions to remain in the vehicle or outdoors.  Thank you."  Don't get me wrong I get it.  I do, but...when I read it I read it as basically cover up your ugly face and come alone.  Come alone? Are we doing a heist?  What is happening here?  I'm going to the eye doctor not doing deals in a back alley.  I need glasses to see, I have to pick out new glasses clearly I'm going to need assistance with that process. But it's fine, I'm fine, everything is fine.  I'm going it alone.

Two days later, the day of my appointment, I made the fantastic decision that we should go stand in line in the rain under an umbrella at a food truck for hot fresh donuts before my appointment. My husband thought this was a crazy idea but because he is use to my antics, he drove us to get donuts and dutifully stood with me under an umbrella while I ordered us donuts to eat on the way to the appointment. There was a line, two actually, one for ordering and one for picking up.  For me, I loved the donuts.  My husband didn't necessarily think they were worth standing in the rain for.  He is far more practical and not necessarily at the level of foodie that I am. But I digress....

I arrive for my appointment and am met with a sign saying that I should text a number when I arrive and wait in my car until they let me know that I can come in.  Seriously?  Does no one else understand how strange this is?  Just me?  OK I'll be the weirdo, it is fine.  I dressed up in donut clothing one day and stood in the rain for a donut the next.  Clearly I'm the weirdo here and having an eye doctor appointment that seems like something that should take place in the back of a restaurant with a mob boss is perfectly normal. Any how I text the number "Heather Nestleroad has arrived" and started to walk to my car even though the entire thing seemed ridiculous when a girl opens the door and asks me if I had an appointment.  I said that I did and she let me in because the texting thing they had going on wasn't really working out that day what with the rain and all.  I go in and almost fall from my shoes being wet and having to stand on a circle to keep with social distancing.  Because clearly I'm the threat here having not had my temperature taken and I'm standing in a mask (pink no less) squeaking my shoes waiting for this adventure to turn around the next bend.  

Finally it is my turn at the desk.  I give them all the necessary things, answer questions, and get my temperature checked.  I was a cool 97.7 and because the only place I mostly go to is work they let me stay.  BUT...I had to go sit and wasn't allowed to look around at the glasses while I waited. When I was taken back it wasn't long before I realized how insane this all was. When you wear a mask it can make your glasses fog up making it hard to see.  When you get drops in your eyes and you wear a mask and have to look through their instruments they tend to fog up too.  Add fogged up instruments to dilated eyes and well.... When the gal leaves me to dilate in a dark room to wait for the doctor I started getting really sleepy.  The doctor comes in before I drift off and asks me how I'm doing.  I said, getting pretty sleepy actually.  He says the drops will do that and goes over everything, does his exam prints my prescription and sends  me on my way to pick out my new glasses.  At this point I knew that one of the two people I like and trust to help me pick my glasses was working.  What I didn't realize was that I was unrecognizable. Apparently having not been there in a couple of years as I was not able to go last year and having longer hair and a mask covering my face made me unrecognizable. It was only when he said I had to take my mask off so he could see how the glasses looked that he realized who I was.  

Listen...I do not hang out with people (I work a full time job and a part time job. I don't hang out with anyone besides my family in general) and I get that I don't have a face that is memorable or really any redeaming qualities aside from one thing.  I somehow turn into a comedian when I go to doctor's offices.  I don't know why this is. Nerves maybe?  I don't know.  But when I go to my family practitioner and when I go to the eye doctor or chiropractor they remember me as the funny one. A psychologist would probably tell you that I hide behind humor and sarcasm as a way of dealing with my undeniable lack of confidence and a feeling of unworthiness that stems back to my childhood.  All true I'm sure, but nevertheless I make an impression as a jokester and a complete dork.  These two people that I consider my friends even though we have spent zero time together outside of the eye doctor's office know who I am. We'd be the kind of pals that all hung out together with our loved ones for game night and pizza if everyone didn't have to work ALL. THE. TIME. and we knew each other maybe a bit better.  They wanted me to apply for a job there so we could work together. was hilarious when he got all embarrassed when I took off my mask. Amy will have a good time with that, I'm sure.  

In the end I did choose some spectacular new glasses that I'm so excited about.  They are movie star level glasses.  Actually they were brought out of a cabinet and not even on display yet they were so glorious. I love glasses.  I do wish sometimes I could work there.  I could use the employee discount.  I get as excited about new glasses as other women get about designer clothes. I'd rather wear my t-shirt collection and denim capris and have spectacular glasses. One of the reasons I really don't fit in here I'm sure. Who needs to fit in anyway?  Someone has to be the oddball and shake things up in this land of manufactured perfection.  May as well be me and in a couple of weeks I'll have just the glasses for the job.  

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