Today is your birthday. You would have been sixty one today. Crazy to think that this is another year we won’t be celebrating your birthday. Things are getting better. I can get through every holiday like a trooper now. It’s your birthday and mine that get me every time. How is it that February 25 is here and you are not? If you were here we would go to Texas Roadhouse for your birthday dinner. I would have made you a white cake with peanut butter icing. What would you have asked for?
My heart hurts today. I feel like I’m being ripped in two. I think about all that has happened that you weren't here for. I learned how to make jewelry and you loved jewelry. Are you mad that you didn't benefit from that? Do you even know that now that you are in heaven or are you so busy you haven’t noticed what has been going on? I started writing. I’m not sure that I am good at it. I suppose that is subjective but I do enjoy it. Your oldest grandchild is starting to drive, your second is going to start driver’s ed in the summer, the baby is ten and he has hair. You would be so proud of them.
Today I find myself in another battle. The voices that haunt me are back for the day. “It is your fault.” “You didn't fight hard enough.” “Did you really do everything that you could have?” “What if you did this or what if you had done that?” “You just gave up, you gave up and now she is gone.” They persist with their accusations and it tears me apart. Eventually reason comes into play and I realize what is happening. I suppose I am a slow learner or after almost nine years I would be able to shut them down faster.
I did not then and I do not now have the power to save anyone. While I took on the responsibility to take care of you alone, I was not then and am not now an oncologist nor am I God. Your life, just as mine, was in God’s hands and his hands alone. I know that God has a plan to bring beauty from these ashes. I revisit those last days and then I remember that even at the end God was there. He sent his son to stand at the foot of your bed and take you home. I know that. I was there, I felt his presence. I know you are home. I know you are having a wonderful birthday in the presence of our Lord. I know all of these things and I am so sad I am missing the party. I can only imagine the kind of party that God would throw. I can only imagine the joy he felt that you came to know him and you were saved and are with him now. These thoughts bring me peace when I feel that I cannot hold on.
I keep asking God to keep me moving. I ask him to tell you how much I miss you and love you. Sometimes I just get so mad at you and I tell him that too. I didn't get all of my questions answered. I didn't learn everything I needed to from you. I can’t bake like you could. I miss talking to you on the phone while I fix dinner. I miss shopping with you. I miss arguing with you. I miss all of your expressions. “What do you want to do now kong?” “Do you have to go poo poo in the pee pee potty or pee pee in the poo poo potty?” The kids still remember that one and they think it is so funny. I walk through shadows today with the hope that tomorrow the sun will shine again. God brings the light to my weary soul. I know that he will bring me through this day like so many others.
I keep moving because I have hope. Hope for tomorrow, hope for His plan for my life, hope that one day I will see you again. Hope that when July comes as it always has and it’s my birthday God will bring me through that battle as well. This year we will be very busy. Busy is good it is less time to dwell on things that I still have no control over. Then the light bulb goes on and the lesson is learned yet again. I am not in control. I never have been and that is such a relief. It relieves my soul to know I can go to my father and lay down my sorrows and troubles at his feet. He will wipe my tears and pick me up again and we will go on with the journey he has for me. And somehow I think maybe you know that too, that maybe he fills you in.
Love until we meet again,