All Systems Go

Last night I had three glasses of tea.  This doesn't seem like a bad idea if you are under forty.  I am NOT under forty.  I found it difficult to fall asleep.  At 5:45 AM the phone rang.  Our window was open and the wind was blowing the sheers which put the sheers in the way of the phone.  My husband sleeps on the side with the phone and spent the entire ringing time fighting the sheers for the phone.  The phone call was the school calling to inform us of a two hour delay.

Now I don't know if you remember two hour delays when you were in school or not.  I can tell you that my children rejoice and I rejoice along with them.  I remember the days when I could just fall back to sleep and have two glorious hours more of rest.  Those days are now apparently behind me.

First I turned off everyone's alarm clocks and reset my oldest daughter's alarm as well as my own.  Then I thought I would get back into bed.  I did attempt it but that was when my bladder realized I had walked, so I went to use the restroom.  I crawled back into bed and tried to get comfortable.  I tried laying on my side.  I tried laying on the other side.  I tried laying on my back.  I couldn't get comfortable.  It was like the iced tea was back.  I kept thinking about those restless leg commercials and wondering if they have restless body meds.

My husband, God bless him, said "just roll over and I'll hold you so you can sleep."  This was not helpful.  It was now 6:00 AM and all of the systems were firing up.  My brain was arguing with every system yelling "No! False Alarm Go Back To Sleep!"  The bladder however said, "Remember the tea?"  And that was when I knew.  Everything else was going to wake up too.  Everything!  NO!  Not EVERYTHING!  Sleep!  I need sleep!

Everything woke up.  It was all systems go.  I went to the restroom and went back to bed.  I lay there praying that I would sleep.  I gave up at 7:30 and got ready for the day.  I even made my bed, loaded the dishwasher and started the laundry.  It didn't end there.  I made scrambled eggs and toast for breakfast.  It was like Christmas morning.  I never cook breakfast.  We have cereal, pop-tarts, bagels, bread for toast sometimes we even splurge on Eggos.  It is a dealers choice really.  Continental breakfast.  Help yourself.  Today however I had more time so I made breakfast.  (On a side note here:  Did you know you can buy hard boiled eggs at the grocery store?  Seriously?  I found them at the store in a bag already peeled and everything.  My mind is blown by this revelation.)

The rest of the day went by without much excitement.  I went to work, did all I could do, picked up the kids, went to piano lessons with two out of three children and came home.  I sliced two of my fingers open on an apple slicer (I am now no longer using anything Pampered Chef that is sharp enough to cause bodily harm) digging through a drawer to find a kitchen tool that has apparently ran away. 

I was sitting on the couch applying pressure to my wounds when the phone rang.  It was for Daphne, who by the way was not home because she was at her very first job interview.  It was a college admissions counselor who informed me that she had been accepted to their school.

My husband brought home pizza (What?  I was injured.).  My daughter was accepted to college, she will hear about the job later this week.  I actually cooked breakfast not at 10 AM on a Saturday.  It was a big day.  Last week my other daughter was informed that she was chosen to go to another honor band.  My son is reading Harry Potter.  I couldn't be prouder.

Apparently getting older means you can't drink iced tea in the evening and expect to fall asleep.  You also cannot let your feet touch the floor or it is all systems go.  I'm getting older, the children are getting older too.  It is an adjustment.  Beauty for ashes.  I can choose to dwell on the aches and pains and inconveniences of aging or I can look at all I accomplished because of the lack of sleep.  I can panic and worry and spend this year in fear of next year or I can savor every moment of this year and let next year worry about itself.  It is exciting, all of the changes.  I suppose with God's help we are all systems go and ready to see the year unfold.

It's Not a Beauty Pageant

Last evening I took my daughter to a scholarship meeting.  My husband thought we were going to find out about different scholarships available.  This was not the case.  It was one scholarship that currently there isn’t any money for, but they hope to have some.  And if we win and go to state then if we win that there is scholarship money. 

It gets better.  It is a beauty pageant.  I take that back, they said it wasn’t a beauty pageant it is a scholarship program.  Does this sound familiar?  There are categories: Interview, Fitness, Talent, and Self Expression.  They even said they were hoping to raise enough money to have a Spirit Award also known as a Miss Congeniality award.

Many thoughts passed through my mind during this meeting.  I can only imagine the thoughts that passed through my daughter’s.  I did get a few enlightening looks during the informative meeting.  Of course, I tried to give her all kinds of excited and encouraging looks even though I knew there was no way she would be down with any of it.

My daughter is reserved.  She is pretty and kind and smart and sarcastic and quite humorous but not usually around other people.  Being that she is my daughter we walked out on the same wavelength.  “So you want to do it right?” I said.  She looked at me like I had grown another head and laid an egg while walking out of the building.  She said no that she didn’t want to do it and asked me what her talent would be.  I reminded her that apparently they will find one for her if she didn’t think she had one.  (Sound familiar?  They also offered to provide dresses.) 

This was at the point when I couldn’t hold back anymore.  “Hey I know what you could do!  Ain’t nobody got time for that!  You do the perfect imitation of that.  Or you could do your Kate Winslet impression.”  She does a fantastic Kate Winslet impression from an awards show she saw once.  It is the funniest thing.  She cracks us up every time because she is so good at keeping a straight face.  She didn’t think she could do that in front of a panel of judges.  This would be when I came up with the best idea of all. 

This morning I presented my idea. “I have the perfect idea for the talent portion of that thing you don’t want to do.” I said (Insert annoyed teenage girl look here) “Miss Congeniality.  You do a monologue from the movie all about how it isn’t a beauty pageant it’s a scholarship program.  It’s PERFECT!”  While she did think it was funny she didn’t agree to do it.  I explained to her that the way I see it she would either make them laugh or she would make them annoyed.  It doesn’t compute with me how that wouldn’t be funny. 

I think that if my daughter was less like me and was able to relax and just go with it, there is no way she wouldn’t crush the talent portion of that competition.  The rest of it may take some work.  Interviewing is intimidating in any situation.  (We tend to forget that the interviewers are also human.)  Fitness?  Well…doing a jazzercise routine on a stage is not really our thing.  (We stopped for sundaes at McDonald’s on our way home.)  Self Expression?  Well yeah…we have all sorts of ways of expressing ourselves around here.  Not many of them would be good on stage. 

I don’t know what next year looks like for her.  I don’t know if we will get any scholarships to help with college.  I don’t even know where she will go to college.  There are so many unknowns about this year as well as next.  We are on this adventure together.  I worry about her.  I worry about me.  In acknowledging that I suppose I realize how ridiculous it is to be worried.  Not one ounce of worry will change what the future holds and it will only rob us of our peace for today.  Besides we have the best tour director.  We don’t know, but God already knows His plan for her and for us.  I think we best both get on the boat, it is taking off with or without us.  It’s going to be an adventure.  Maybe not an adventure that includes a beauty pageant but to be sure as far as God and I go, we both think she is a beauty.  

I almost forgot!  If you want to use that Miss Congeniality bit for your own scholarship program?  Yeah that's a freebee so let me know how that works out for you.  I really want to know if the judges would think it was as funny as I do.

Full Moons, Deep Gladness, and Hershey Kisses

From my Daily Guidepost yesterday:  "The place God calls you to be is the place where your deep gladness and the world's great hunger meet."  "Don't be compelled to do what you should do, ought to do, must do, have to do, don't want to do.  Rather, get in touch with your greatest gladness and be free to go do it."  Frederick Buechner wrote those words as quoted by Scott Walker in my Daily Guidepost.

So I have to ask:  What brings you deep gladness?  Do you know?  Have you thought about it?  I suppose I would be remiss if I didn't tell you that what brings me deep gladness is not necessarily something I do or have accomplished, for I may never accomplish it, but more an idea of what I envision.  The idea of bringing joy to others, making someone think, smile, maybe wonder, brings me deep gladness.  The idea that maybe at least one time maybe I said the right thing or did the right thing.

I flail through life.  I mostly go along thinking that I am failing most of the time.  I should have said this or I should have done that.  Did I do what I should have, could have, would have?  Did I really yell at the kids again?  Did I mess up another meal?  Why is it so impossible for me to stay on top of the laundry?  I finally have an oven with a self clean option and I am scared to use it.  How crazy is that?  Why can't I just turn to God when under stress and rest in His arms instead of turning to food?  Am I alone in this?

I don't have any of those answers.  I don't know really what my call is.  I don't know if I am making an impact on the world or if I will come to the end of my life and people will remember me or if I will just fade away not even worthy of a single memory...or at least a memory worth remembering.

When I pray, I pray to be a small light.  I pray that maybe I can be a glimmer of light...a light that shines not on me but through me and others will see Jesus through me. In the morning I pray that I can be a blessing.  That I can do my job well and that I might make someone smile or think or know that I care.  My heart longs to see Jesus and to have others see Jesus through me and yet I know that I am human and sometimes I get overwhelmed in life and I fail to cling to the One that my soul longs for.  Instead of shining a light I hide under a blanket and hope to disappear.

There was a full moon last night and the kids at school were wild and crazy and out of control.  I subbed today and I felt completely overwhelmed and out of my league.  But then at the end of the day as I was in my room talking to a teacher, another teacher walked in to my room and handed me a baggy with Hershey Kisses in it.  On the bag was a note with a reference to a Bible verse.  Proverbs 3:5-6  "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."

This makes me think maybe even if I don't realize it, God is directing my path, like maybe I am here for a reason and I may not know why God has placed me in this job or given me the family I have or the personality I have or even the opportunity to share with you and maybe I don't have to know.  I just have to trust that He knows and He has a plan for what comes next.  It doesn't really matter what anyone else says or thinks about what we do, only that we are doing what brings us deep gladness and in that gladness we know that we are also bringing God joy because our Father delights in His children.  What brings us deep gladness was placed in us by Him who created everything about us.  So it doesn't matter what we should do, could do, would do, it only matters what we are willing to do for Him and in turn we will find our deep gladness and bring Him joy.  The impact that I may or may not make in this world is only measured by God and if I allow Him to direct my path there is no limit to what He can do.

All of that being said, I began the day completely overwhelmed by the day ahead.  I spent a great deal of my day overwhelmed and I ended my day exhausted, spent, and feeling a bit like I totally bombed the day.  And then I got a reminder that I am loved and I need not worry in the form of some Hershey Kisses and a note from a friend and a reminder from God.