Sergeant Major Mommy

I have figured a solution to every problem we have. The country has been run by men for far too long. I am under the impression that if women had been running this country all this time the national debt would be no more, war would cease to exist, and everyone everywhere would be better dressed if not better fed. I should preface this with the statement that I do not hate men, I am married to the pick of the litter and no I have no intentions of running for office. I am just a wife and mother living in Nowhere, USA who has a big mouth and a few ideals of her own she would like to share.

Those of you who are married will be able to commiserate with these truths that I hold self evident. Women, mothers especially are the only ones on the planet who can find things. We are the only ones who can switch gears fast enough to discipline a child and take care of a dead pet all while holding a party in the house. We are the only ones who can talk on the phone while moving which is to say that while on the phone we prepare meals, do laundry, and check homework all while holding a conversation. We plan the parties, we supply food, we make the calls, we run the errands, we run the mom's taxi service, we accomplish this and manage to do it all without a man at home to hold our hand and instruct us on what to do. I do not discredit men who go to work and provide for their families. I thank them. God bless them. Without them I would not be able to stay home and raise my children. However, there are plenty of women in the military and plenty of them involved in politics who are willing and able to make a change.

Who in your home is the one who finds things? The mother. Who should go looking for the bad guys? The women. By all means take the men with you let them do the killing and the blowing of stuff up. But if you want something found from a person to a pair of clean socks you don't send a man in to do the job. You send the mom. If I want a jar of jelly opened I don't ask my daughter to open it I ask my husband. But if I want my brown jacket that is hanging on my side of the closet all the way to the right. I don't send my husband, he will never find it. I send my daughter. If she doesn't find it she will bring every other option and check the laundry till she comes down and says "ok the one you want is in the wash which one do you want?" A man would have come down with a green jacket and claimed I didn't own a brown one. Why are we in debt? We make money every day right? Make some more! Honestly if you run out of underwear you don't just stop wearing it you buy some more. Goodness I realize this is the ramblings of someone who doesn't watch the news and doesn't get the paper. (Why would I read about or watch the things I cannot change when there are so many more entertaining books to read.) I have better things to do. I can't change the programming any more than I can get all men everywhere to figure out which day is trash day and get it to the curb on time, every time. Nor can I get them to get the laundry to drop into the basket instead of just outside it. But really? Does everything have to be that difficult? Life really wasn't meant to be so counterproductive. If you don't have money for new weapons then quit ordering more. If a woman doesn't have money for all the groceries she needs, she doesn't go spend what she does have on her hair. She figures out ways to spread it out and make enough food to feed a family and wears a hat.

You don't hire a plumber to do your electrical work. You don't have the UPS guy pick up your trash. You don't have the guy who trims the trees also trim your hair. You get the right person for the job. You get the person who will get the job done quickly and efficiently and lets face it, for most jobs you need a woman to get it done. How many women make honey do lists only to check off the list themselves. Men are busy. Men work hard for a living to provide the very food you prepare for your families. I get it. But a woman works all day from sun up to sun down cleaning the clothes that they wear, preparing the food that they eat, finding the socks, cleaning the house that they live in. You don't send a woman in to do jobs that they are unable to do. I am unable and unqualified to do welding, chop down a tree, fight forest fires, I also can not walk away from perfectly good ice cream either but I digress. I'm just saying ladies I believe it's up to us. Behind every great man is an even greater woman. Everyone knows who wore the pants in the Clinton administration and it obviously wasn't Bill. Perhaps next time when the need arises we shouldn't send men who will drive around for hours lost because they won't ask for directions. Men who won't find them or if they do will not close the deal. Women are the deal closers.

Disagree, dislike, be disgruntled if you choose to be. This is just my opinion. My husband disagrees he believes in fact that men are the ones who have made this country great. Men have fought for our freedoms, men protect us every day. I don't disagree. But even Abraham Lincoln gave his mother credit for making him the man he is. Let's just remember the wives, daughters, sisters, aunts, grandmothers, and nieces along with them.

To Fight or To Flee

It's been a few days now. I am able to share the events of the weekend. My husband's birthday conveniently turns out to be on a holiday weekend. So of course we must party. The weekend gets started like most then on his birthday we get to go to a party and we load up the crew and head on over. This seems like it would be an easy task to accomplish for most who have children who are past the stage of diaper bags and gear that takes up an entire car to bring with. No bags are needed, no jumping seats required, no bottles to prepare here, nope just a "hey kids, ready?" and they should flow from the house in an orderly fashion and get into the vehicle and buckle up for the evening adventure. This part did go off without a hitch. It's the unloading where we find the problems.

We have three children. We have a vehicle that has three rows for the reason that they are unable to sit quietly next to one another in a car that only has a back seat. This is too much to ask so I have to be able to separate them for my own sanity. I should mention that what is about to develop outside our friend's home is not to be linked to any such event that has happened at our home. My husband and I are happily married and the punishment of choice in our house is to take away all electronics until they can get a grip on reality. As Michael Jackson would say "I'm a lover not a fighter." I'm not into confrontations unless it would be to defend someone I love. I should also mention that we are not WWF followers, we are not into mud wrestling, Neither hockey nor boxing are sports we follow. My children are not allowed to watch prime time television and the channels of choice are Disney and Nick. That said, take a seat and get some popcorn because this is about to get sticky.

We arrive at our friends house. The yard is full of people and my middle child's friends and teammates are there and coming to greet her. At some point between my husband and I and my younger two children getting out of the car, the middle one acted as though she were going to shut the door in the oldest one's face. (She had the pleasure of sitting in the very back) So the door shuts in her face and almost hits her in the nose. She gets out of the car and while the friends are watching, grabs her sister, throws her to the ground and proceeds in trying to beat some sense into her. I turn around to see the commotion in time to stop her from kicking her while she is down. Now tell me this, what is your initial reaction? First thing you think you should do? Well you remove her from the scene and take her home to a life without electronics for the rest of her life of course. You also might think about which Military School will take her after school has started. You may even explore options for a career in wrestling and tell her that mud wrestling is out because she would have to wear a bikini and that's just trashy. She's too cute for boxing so that's out. She is pretty orderly I suppose she could be a drill Sargent. In my mind I think, well I suppose I don't have to worry about her defending herself when she starts dating. I'm pretty sure she could take anyone down if she got mad enough. The first boy to try and kiss her is likely to lose a few teeth.

I grew up alone. I didn't have any brothers or sisters. I have told you that I always thought that if I had siblings we would be best of friends and of course, would never think of fighting because we would be so happy to have each other. Obviously that is fantasy and my husband being one of three children, with two older sisters just like in our family assures me that sisters fight. I envisioned what it would be like for them growing up so close together in age. I assumed of course (You know what happens when you assume right?)that they would team up. The girls against the world. Ready to conquer the world side by side. BFF's forever. Never in my mind did I think they would be what's the word the kids use now? Frenamies? Yeah, that I didn't count on. When our first one came along she was so beautiful and sweet and pure I thought to myself "This is great, but what would be better than one little angel? I know! Two little angels. We need another one!" So I stepped into the valley of no return and had one more perfect beautiful baby. Ten fingers, ten toes, perfect round heads. The perfect little angels grew up is what happened. Of course when that wasn't enough I had one more and three made our family complete. With a boy to carry on the family name.

My mother had a look. I was an only child so I knew that the look meant one of two things were about to happen: 1. Either I stop and continue life as I know it, or 2. Her head is about to spin around and I'm gonna be looking for my rear end because the one I have is coming off! Mom made no attempt to hide her authority and no attempt to be my friend. I knew where I stood at all times. She was the boss, you did things her way or the highway. Over the last 14 years I have tried to establish a look. I just don't have it. Perhaps I am too funny looking for it to really take hold, I'm not sure. I'm plenty scary I suppose, I can yell like a banshee. I have follow through. They know I'm the mom and not their friend. Friendship comes after my job of raising them is done and they have become adults. But darn it if they don't stay up nights playing rock, paper, scissors to see who's turn it is to throw me for a loop. Why? Why I ask you? My daughter asked me if it was fun for me to punish them. I said "no why on earth would it be? If you are grounded that means I don't get to have any fun either." She said "oh I just thought it would be fun for you." There is nothing fun about having to discipline your children. The "perfect" child does not exist any more than the "perfect" parent. Both sides are human and both sides are bound to make mistakes. The learning from the mistakes is what makes it probable that both sides will get through it with their sanity intact. Even an animal can learn from it's mistakes, surely we mere humans can do the same.

All I know is this. If my daughters can find it in themselves to continue to love each other even after a WWF style smack down. I can learn to accept that even though their relationship isn't what I had envisioned for them, it is what it is and it's still something special. They spent the next evening playing cards and laughing with each other, without any media assistance whatsoever. I think this week of no media may help their relationship. It's amazing how they can find things to do together when the t.v. and computers aren't available.

Dating Woe or Dating NO?

Today I find myself in a daydream of sorts. I was thinking about my children. Realizing just how old they are getting. It occurred to me in that space of wonderment where you are awake and conscious of reality but lost in your own thoughts, just what it means now that my daughter has entered high school. Sure I'm aware that we are indeed about half way into the first 9 weeks of school and that she has in fact been in high school the entire time. But the reality of everything that entails hit me like a blunt force object. The reality that she doesn't go to a private all girl school and that at some point boys will start noticing her whether or not she notices them makes my stomach churn. In my mind she is still four years old and while she understands that boys are not girls, she doesn't think they matter any more than she thinks it's important to watch anything that isn't on the Disney channel. While she still loves Disney, she is more interested in how she can grow up to work for Disney and the making of the shows, than perhaps a lot of the shows themselves. And while she knows the differences in boys and girls and has come to appreciate the way certain boys a.k.a. Taylor Lautner or Daniel Radcliffe look. She has seemingly not taken much notice of actual boys within her realm. She knows they are there, she just doesn't seem to acknowledge their worth. None of them can get her to her chosen future so they hold little appeal and as of yet she hasn't seen one that has that certain smile or the abs she likes. She is also so shy I'm quite certain if a boy took notice of her and tried to talk to her, she may just try to become one with the wall.

I take full responsibility for such behavior as I have trained her well. I have told her from the beginning that boys are not anything but a distraction at this point in her life. While I acknowledge the fact that it is perfectly normal to notice boys. I am also familiar with being a teenage boy crazy girl. I spent much of my youth while trying to blend in also hoping that a boy would take notice of me. Looking longingly across the lunch room at the one who had the right kind of smile. I also know that had I spent more time hitting the books and less time worrying if I would ever get a date, I would probably be more likely a candidate for something other than the garage sale queen of the year award. As parents we want to protect our children from anything and everything that may hurt them. There isn't much that can hurt a teenage girl more than a teenage boy. Which is why I established the "no boys allowed" rule years ago. While in the 4th grade her peers were "dating" and are still "dating" my child was focusing on grades and a means to an end. I make no apology for this fact, I relish it even. While countless other mothers are dealing with boyfriend woes and concerned with whether or not their kid will go to prom, mine is looking for prerequisites to get into Brown. After all, all the best go to Brown if you are interested in the film industry.

Today in my daymare? if that is what you call it. There came a time during her high school career that a boy wanted to call her. I saw it all very clearly. The boy came up to her and said he has noticed her and wondered if he might call her. I saw her look at him as though he had just caught on fire and turn and walk away. Then I saw another possible reality. She said sure and gave him her number. I have no idea how I would react to a boy calling my daughter. I see myself eating Tums like it's a lifeline I cannot do without. The first time one comes to the house? I may need to be hospitalized. I know how to instill fear in my own children. I have no idea how to instill fear into someone else's. And above all they SHOULD fear me. If a boy were to lay a finger on my child inappropriately. Let's just say, when I get angry my eyes turn red, my horns come out, and I turn green all over. It's not pretty. It's also non photographical (yeah I may have made that word up too), so there isn't any record of it actually happening, but it could. Think leaping tall buildings in a single bound. Think lifting cars like lifting sweat socks. See? It's crazy! I can't even get myself to consider the idea of it.

Honestly I have no idea how my mother did it. She was fierce! I didn't date until I was 16. I did get my first "real" kiss at the skating rink in 8th grade. Shh It's OK she doesn't mind anymore. I rode in cars with boys I met while working at the mall. I dated boys older and from other schools and not once did she meet their parents. HOW did she do it? I can't conceive of it! My mind refuses to wrap around the idea of any of it. I'm not old enough, I'm not ready. I may be old enough to not remember my hair color, but I do remember boys. Boys have hands and.. and... ideas. I need depends just thinking about it. When I was a little girl my mother told me that a little girl much like me was taken as she was walking home in the dark. So it was very important for me to be home BEFORE dark. To this day I'm still afraid to be out after dark alone. My kids? Never out after dark unless with me or another adult. Why? Because as my mother once said "kids get taken, it's a dark scary world." We don't take unnecessary risks. I'm not sure if boys qualify in that category or not but look around. Look at the number of teenage pregnancies. Look at the magazines that show all the teenage girls that have been killed by boyfriends. Do I want my daughters to one day find a boy, fall in love, get married and give me a house full of grandchildren? Of course! But later. Much much later. After high school, after college, after they are settled into their careers. I think part of the reason divorce rates are so high is people rush into a life they know nothing about. Before they have even discovered who they are and who they want to be. We have a why wait attitude when we should have a don't settle attitude. I met my husband my senior year in high school. We went to college THEN we got married. Of course then we figured out quickly where babies come from. But I didn't settle. I knew who he was, who he would be, and who I would be with him before we married. I knew how many cavities he had ever had, I knew every tiny detail I could think to ask. I saw the gene pool. I knew what I was working with here. I knew for certain that I could never get through this life without him and that no one else on the planet would ever make me happier. Ok I also knew that no one else on the planet would ever tolerate my antics but who better than the biggest instigator I knew to be my partner in life? I want that for them. LATER! MUCH Later!

I worry about my younger daughter too. I have a feeling I'm gonna be busy with her. I will of course go on my kids dates. I have it all planned out. I will have the boy come to the door. Interrogate them intently, find out where they are going, and then my covert operative training (OK I watch Psych that's my training but it's good and still counts) takes effect and I stealthily follow to make sure they are going where they say they are. Then I beat them home and nonchalantly read a magazine until he walks her to the door and she comes inside. But if they stay in the car too long, then I flash the outside lights, that's what my mom did. So you see I may have my ideals of what I would like to happen, but I am also realistic in the fact that they will probably date while in high school. I also have it planned out so it's good. Yes, I'm feeling much better about this. I may be able to get through this without the depends. The Tums I'll still need, but it's OK I know someone who can get them for me and he delivers.