Competition. I'm curious, are you competitive? Personally I'm not sure I have a competitive bone in by body. I tend to clap for both teams of a sporting event when a good play happens. Although I want my children to succeed, I'm not sure it's best for them to always win, I think the learning happens in the losing. As a child I was not athletic in any way, shape, or form. This has in fact carried over into adulthood. I'm a klutz simple as that. I cannot count the number of times I've fallen down the stairs, I can't run from my drive way to the stop sign without thinking that the end of my life is surely near as I feel there is no way I'm making it around the block at that rate, so I walk, briskly and try not to trip over a pebble or my own two feet. You may find this hard to believe but I did have dance training for seven years of my childhood. You would think that this would have helped to make me graceful. Unfortunately the only thing I got out of it is the ability to stand with my feet in I believe what is called first position. What this amounts to is that I had a tendency to walk like a duck with my feet out. So no I'm not an athlete.
In what other ways do we tend to compete? At church today someone mentioned that they were competitive when it came to running but more so with themselves than with other people. This got me to thinking. I can think of no instance where I tend to get competitive unless it's when playing games with my family. If we are playing Scrabble, then yes I get competitive. As any mistake on my part will lead to 20 yrs of ridicule, and me waiting for 10 yrs for my husband to say or do something stupid so I can have a comeback. I don't play sports, I don't like to play cards, I don't have an attention span for half the board games we own.
In this world of haves and have nots do you compete or do you relish in other's successes and count the blessings that God has given you? As a child I had a friend who always seemed to need to "one up" me. This bothered me at the time because I couldn't understand the need. I grew up in a world of dysfunction, walking in a sea of sadness just trying to blend in to survive. There was nothing functional in the house I grew up in. I spent the majority of my childhood hoping that I could spend the weekends at friend's houses. In the dysfunction and the guilt I was given stuff to make it better. As a kid of course you like the "stuff" and gladly accept it even though what you long for is the love and acceptance you will never gain. Perhaps in my world I gave up any desire for competition because the only things I ever wanted I knew I would never gain. Back to my friend though, when I got a t.v. for Christmas, she would get a t.v. and v.c.r. If I got a commodore vic 20 computer, she'd get the equivalent of a mac. I didn't grow up with Nike, I never met Ralph Lauren. I thought I lived in a house only to grow up and discover I lived in a double wide. But I could take you through my room and tell you who gave me each thing I ever owned. I was thankful. Perhaps that's the difference in yesterday and today with children and some adults. Those who have grown up always having take for granted what they have and what they have been fortunate enough not to have had to deal with. Those who had nothing but grew up to have their dreams come true understand the gift.
I understand that the things of my childhood could have been worse. I understand that all the things I've seen and encountered and lived through have helped to create the person I'm still trying to become. Am I competitive? I don't think so. Am I blessed beyond measure? Absolutely! This weekend I watched a movie called "To Save A Life" if you haven't seen it, I highly recommend that you rent it. It takes place in a high school. I could see everyone I ever went to school with in that movie. No one knows what happens inside another person's mind. No one knows how people deal with despair. They can only know what's in their own heart. But tell me this, isn't it worth it to find out? What if that kid that gets picked on in school doesn't know the Lord, doesn't have a clue how to deal with the frustration and heartache that something like that leaves, doesn't know who to turn to, and thinks that just maybe they and the world would be better off without them. I have to admit I had every one of those thoughts at one time or another in my life. God however had another plan. I'm a sinner. I am a work in progress. I am the farthest thing from perfect you will ever see. BUT, I have felt the presence of God in my house. I have seen His miracles in my life. I have seen His miracles in the life of my mother. I lost my mother to cancer, but I got to see Him work in her and she was saved and baptized before she died. That my friends is a miracle. It is a miracle worth seeing and it's a miracle worth experiencing. I don't have to know the reasons for everything, I don't have to understand why I didn't grow up like the Brady Bunch, it is not for me to understand. I can tell you this, to feel the sunshine and feel the breeze and know the joy that unfolds when you walk in the light. There is nothing greater. Do I still mess up daily? Yes, but you don't walk into a college class and immediately know everything after the first session. It's a learning that takes time and effort and a willingness to admit fault. He already knows them all anyway. You may as well confess them and save some time. I also have to believe He has a sense of humor, otherwise what on earth would He want with me? There are people in this world who need someone to blame for the bad things that happen in the world. The target is usually God. Why does God not put an end to my pain. I have a question? Did you ask Him to? Why doesn't He stop things from happening? Free Will. He wants you to come to Him. He wants you help you, He loves you beyond anything you can even comprehend. You know I'm not a preacher, I couldn't lead a Sunday school class of 2 yr olds. The amount I don't know far surpasses what I do. I'm nobody, I always have been. You don't have to listen to me. You can say hey that lady has lost her mind. But let me ask you this...What if that kid who grew up in despair actually figured something out? What if there is a reason I'm so happy and actually grew the courage up to type all this out for the world to see? Those who know me know I like to write, but I tend not to lean to anything very serious. So call this my medium. I'm not likely to feel comfortable talking in groups of people. If you want my full story you are unlikely to get it in a crowd. Plus it's still being written. But I can tell you where I've been and how I got out of the pit. It surely wasn't anything I did. I'm a weakly. But my God is mighty. Think about it.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
The Birthday Series Experiment Take 1
As those of you who know me know, I do not look forward to birthdays. Don't get me wrong I love other people's birthdays, just not my own. My own birthday carries with it a stigma that isn't a reminder of a happy time. My mother passed away the day before my birthday six years ago. For the last six years I've tried to forget and get others to forget my birthday. As that isn't actually taking hold, I've decided to try this experiment. I will tell a story of birthdays past every day till the day arrives in the hopes that by that day I will be so filled with birthday excitement I'll forget to be sad. (I'm getting older and I do forget things now, it could work right?) So with that said let me start with the 30th.
The year is 2002. I am pregnant with my last child. In those days my birthday was a week long event. Actually now that I think about it, my birthday was always a week long event. We would start talking about it early, to decide the important things first. If you know me the important part is always the food. Gifts are nice and all but food is my favorite. So that year I had been thinking steak. My mom was working two jobs at the time and was busier than a dog trying to chase it's tail in reverse. She worked at the factory she had worked at for as long as I had been around but she had also become a realtor, often times trading sleep for the next big sale. Because she was too busy to go out of town to my favorite steak house it was decided that we would stay in town and go local.
I spent weeks thinking about steak. Anyone who has ever been pregnant or known someone pregnant knows how this works. You get it in your head that you need a certain food and that's all you can think about. Just to be clear I did do a better job of behaving myself during that pregnancy, mostly eating a lot of salads and fresh fruits and veggies. I also spent a lot of time disgusting my husband as I started eating zucchini and tomato sandwiches. (Don't knock it till you've tried it. Fried zucchini then fresh sliced tomato's and a little mayo on toast. It was awesome! Not that I've tried that without the pregnancy.) So for me to get in the mood for a steak was a big deal.
The day finally arrives and my husband was at work and meeting us at the restaurant and my mom came to pick me and my girls up. We get in the car and she says she needs gas. She goes the wrong way to get gas. So I'm informing her that the gas station and the steak house is in the opposite direction as she is going. She tells me that she forgot and likes this other gas station better anyway. So we get gas and I'm thinking this through, something is amiss. I know she is tired but she's acting different. Like she has a secret. OH NO! She gets back in the car and starts heading in the opposite direction again, then I see it. A sign out in front of a hall "Happy 30th Birthday Heather". Thank goodness she didn't put my last name. So I turn to her and say "so it's safe to say I'm not getting steak?" She smiles and says "no sorry." So I walk in and everyone I know is there of course. I cry and make a blubbering idiot of myself. My best friend drove all the way from Indy to be there, which makes me blubber more. And of course there is no steak but chicken being served.
It was embarrassing and wonderful at the same time. Embarrassing because hello I do not need it advertised that I've crossed over to the next decade and the twenties are over. But wonderful because everyone I loved was there in one place and that hadn't happened since I was a child. I don't remember all the gifts I was given, I remember the huge cake of course, food is a big deal to me remember? I do remember my Eeyore Christi got me because she remembered how much I loved the feel of it's fur when we'd go to the Disney store. I also remember that for one day everything was good. For one day I felt loved and maybe not so scared to be starting over with another baby, because as I looked around and saw the faces of my family and friends I knew that I was loved. I also knew that it would have been a whole lot easier for my mother if she would have just taken me to get that steak, which she did, a few days later.
And there you have it. The last perfect birthday. I might add that she was pretty proud of herself for pulling the whole thing off. I did have it figured out while getting the gas. I suppose that is better than knowing well in advance. Pay back I suppose for that was the year she turned 50 and she had had a small party of her own to attend that year.
The year is 2002. I am pregnant with my last child. In those days my birthday was a week long event. Actually now that I think about it, my birthday was always a week long event. We would start talking about it early, to decide the important things first. If you know me the important part is always the food. Gifts are nice and all but food is my favorite. So that year I had been thinking steak. My mom was working two jobs at the time and was busier than a dog trying to chase it's tail in reverse. She worked at the factory she had worked at for as long as I had been around but she had also become a realtor, often times trading sleep for the next big sale. Because she was too busy to go out of town to my favorite steak house it was decided that we would stay in town and go local.
I spent weeks thinking about steak. Anyone who has ever been pregnant or known someone pregnant knows how this works. You get it in your head that you need a certain food and that's all you can think about. Just to be clear I did do a better job of behaving myself during that pregnancy, mostly eating a lot of salads and fresh fruits and veggies. I also spent a lot of time disgusting my husband as I started eating zucchini and tomato sandwiches. (Don't knock it till you've tried it. Fried zucchini then fresh sliced tomato's and a little mayo on toast. It was awesome! Not that I've tried that without the pregnancy.) So for me to get in the mood for a steak was a big deal.
The day finally arrives and my husband was at work and meeting us at the restaurant and my mom came to pick me and my girls up. We get in the car and she says she needs gas. She goes the wrong way to get gas. So I'm informing her that the gas station and the steak house is in the opposite direction as she is going. She tells me that she forgot and likes this other gas station better anyway. So we get gas and I'm thinking this through, something is amiss. I know she is tired but she's acting different. Like she has a secret. OH NO! She gets back in the car and starts heading in the opposite direction again, then I see it. A sign out in front of a hall "Happy 30th Birthday Heather". Thank goodness she didn't put my last name. So I turn to her and say "so it's safe to say I'm not getting steak?" She smiles and says "no sorry." So I walk in and everyone I know is there of course. I cry and make a blubbering idiot of myself. My best friend drove all the way from Indy to be there, which makes me blubber more. And of course there is no steak but chicken being served.
It was embarrassing and wonderful at the same time. Embarrassing because hello I do not need it advertised that I've crossed over to the next decade and the twenties are over. But wonderful because everyone I loved was there in one place and that hadn't happened since I was a child. I don't remember all the gifts I was given, I remember the huge cake of course, food is a big deal to me remember? I do remember my Eeyore Christi got me because she remembered how much I loved the feel of it's fur when we'd go to the Disney store. I also remember that for one day everything was good. For one day I felt loved and maybe not so scared to be starting over with another baby, because as I looked around and saw the faces of my family and friends I knew that I was loved. I also knew that it would have been a whole lot easier for my mother if she would have just taken me to get that steak, which she did, a few days later.
And there you have it. The last perfect birthday. I might add that she was pretty proud of herself for pulling the whole thing off. I did have it figured out while getting the gas. I suppose that is better than knowing well in advance. Pay back I suppose for that was the year she turned 50 and she had had a small party of her own to attend that year.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Beware of Teenagers! No Dogs Allowed!
I am not a pet person. That is not to say that I dislike pets, I do like them in theory. I like them from a distance. I do not have the time or inclination to spend all my time letting a cat rub all over me or taking a dog for a walk, nor do I want to clean up after them. I live in a quiet little neighborhood where the most exciting thing to happen in a decade is the trash truck catching fire. That being said I do not fear for my safety. So I haven't a need for a watch dog. All that being said, I have two cats, one of which apparently has a troubled relationship with a robin in the yard, the other of which has a twin and I have to check nightly to make sure I have the correct cat going into the garage for the night. I should also mention both of them are old and fat and couldn't summon the energy to attack if it were deemed necessary. What I do have however, are teenagers!
Should anyone feel the desire to come into my yard uninvited or even invited they may be greeted by a cat rubbing against their legs giving a silent pleading to be taken away from the crazy house in the middle, or it may be a knock down drag out fight between two girls one of which has looked at the other in "an unpleasant way" or said something to provoke the other ones special can of "whoop arse" if you know what I mean.
I feel I should at this point explain that my husband and I do not fight nor have either of us ever laid a hand on the other in a malicious way, nor have we ever beat on our children. Where this came from is a mystery, as an only child I cannot fathom what two girls lucky enough to have each other as siblings and friends would have to fight about. We do have satellite television with parental controls set up and we monitor all television and Internet activity. I would hope that if they had suddenly become WWF fans and decided to try out their moves or wanted to suddenly start skating and try their hands at roller derby I would know this and understand where this stems from. By the way I did see the movie "Whip It" directed by Drew Barrymore and I did feel like skating as fast as I can while trying to knock people down just to see if I could do it. Apparently it's a fun way to deal with stress for people who like to skate and some of the girls in the movie had children.
But I digress this issue is not about my desire to join a roller derby team, soccer team, or a band. All of which may have been all I needed to enjoy my high school years as I was just like the kids in those movies searching for a place to belong and not quite fitting in. Made worse by the fact that the home life consisted of one hard working mother, on crazy man, no siblings, and an addiction to family shows such as Full House and Family Ties. Which apparently gave me unrealistic expectations as to what a "real" family is supposed to be like. Not once do I remember DJ ripping out Stephanie's hair. I also seem to remember all the Cosby kids being very fond of each other and if they did get into arguments I don't remember one of them getting the other on the floor for a good beating. So what on earth has happened here?
My children do not see prime time television, while their counterparts are watching Grey's Anatomy or CSI, mine watch Disney channel or Nick. While their counterparts are on Facebook and My Space mine are on Poptropica or on Dan Schneider's blog finding out how he gets ideas to create shows such as iCarly. They also have a fondness for going onto YouTube to watch shows from my generation such as Silver Spoons. Ricky Schroeder holla! The Rickster! He was sooo dreamy. I was president of his fan club you know. (proof once again what a nerd I was, but if he would have come to a school dance and did something in resemblance of Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen to dance with me and give me an autographed picture they would have had to keep their jokes to themselves!) They also spend time on Muggle Net learning about all things Harry Potter and then go to Club Penguin. These are not activities to spur on the "dark side" right?
My husband says that his sisters fought all the time. It's normal he says. I do not remember reading this in the manual. Where is this manual anyway? I would like to have had someone to warn me that this would happen. It wouldn't have changed anything but perhaps knowing what is coming is a way to prepare one's self for the inevitable. I try to tell others what is to come. I have friends with younger children and I try to tell them that they are in the easy era, the hard part is coming. Usually they don't like hearing my warning of what is to come. I do this for their own good. As I said I would have liked to have had time to prepare. I don't know what else to do to help them.
I had friends over yesterday. While they were walking in the door the girls were in the other room and very discreetly they decided to rip each other a new one. My spy (aka my son) came to tell me they were fighting. In the time it took me to get into the appropriate room one of them fled to the confines of her room. The other one stayed lying on the floor holding her head where the other yanked on her hair and tells me to let her lay there to die. (drama drama) The provocation? She said that it was the other sister who got scared during a movie and not her. Imagine the nerve! I went upstairs and offered to take her outside so she could pick on someone her own size and she could brush up her skills by taking me on. If that's going to be her chosen method of problem solving, we do want her to be prepared. She didn't take me up on my offer. By the end of the day they were best friends and had a sleepover in each others room.
This is why we have pharmacies. This may also be why some animals eat their young. Keeping up with the constant switching of gears is exhausting! This my friends is why I read books. When I read about Nazi Germany or even some teenager's love triangle between a vampire or a werewolf (Go Team Edward), breaking up a couple girls arguments doesn't seem like such a difficult problem to have. Also it's much easier to ignore them and let them work on solving their problems themselves if I'm wrapped up in a book. So let this be my public service announcement. Beware of teenagers! To get through this difficult time get a good book take two Tylenol and call me in the morning, for this too shall pass.
Should anyone feel the desire to come into my yard uninvited or even invited they may be greeted by a cat rubbing against their legs giving a silent pleading to be taken away from the crazy house in the middle, or it may be a knock down drag out fight between two girls one of which has looked at the other in "an unpleasant way" or said something to provoke the other ones special can of "whoop arse" if you know what I mean.
I feel I should at this point explain that my husband and I do not fight nor have either of us ever laid a hand on the other in a malicious way, nor have we ever beat on our children. Where this came from is a mystery, as an only child I cannot fathom what two girls lucky enough to have each other as siblings and friends would have to fight about. We do have satellite television with parental controls set up and we monitor all television and Internet activity. I would hope that if they had suddenly become WWF fans and decided to try out their moves or wanted to suddenly start skating and try their hands at roller derby I would know this and understand where this stems from. By the way I did see the movie "Whip It" directed by Drew Barrymore and I did feel like skating as fast as I can while trying to knock people down just to see if I could do it. Apparently it's a fun way to deal with stress for people who like to skate and some of the girls in the movie had children.
But I digress this issue is not about my desire to join a roller derby team, soccer team, or a band. All of which may have been all I needed to enjoy my high school years as I was just like the kids in those movies searching for a place to belong and not quite fitting in. Made worse by the fact that the home life consisted of one hard working mother, on crazy man, no siblings, and an addiction to family shows such as Full House and Family Ties. Which apparently gave me unrealistic expectations as to what a "real" family is supposed to be like. Not once do I remember DJ ripping out Stephanie's hair. I also seem to remember all the Cosby kids being very fond of each other and if they did get into arguments I don't remember one of them getting the other on the floor for a good beating. So what on earth has happened here?
My children do not see prime time television, while their counterparts are watching Grey's Anatomy or CSI, mine watch Disney channel or Nick. While their counterparts are on Facebook and My Space mine are on Poptropica or on Dan Schneider's blog finding out how he gets ideas to create shows such as iCarly. They also have a fondness for going onto YouTube to watch shows from my generation such as Silver Spoons. Ricky Schroeder holla! The Rickster! He was sooo dreamy. I was president of his fan club you know. (proof once again what a nerd I was, but if he would have come to a school dance and did something in resemblance of Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen to dance with me and give me an autographed picture they would have had to keep their jokes to themselves!) They also spend time on Muggle Net learning about all things Harry Potter and then go to Club Penguin. These are not activities to spur on the "dark side" right?
My husband says that his sisters fought all the time. It's normal he says. I do not remember reading this in the manual. Where is this manual anyway? I would like to have had someone to warn me that this would happen. It wouldn't have changed anything but perhaps knowing what is coming is a way to prepare one's self for the inevitable. I try to tell others what is to come. I have friends with younger children and I try to tell them that they are in the easy era, the hard part is coming. Usually they don't like hearing my warning of what is to come. I do this for their own good. As I said I would have liked to have had time to prepare. I don't know what else to do to help them.
I had friends over yesterday. While they were walking in the door the girls were in the other room and very discreetly they decided to rip each other a new one. My spy (aka my son) came to tell me they were fighting. In the time it took me to get into the appropriate room one of them fled to the confines of her room. The other one stayed lying on the floor holding her head where the other yanked on her hair and tells me to let her lay there to die. (drama drama) The provocation? She said that it was the other sister who got scared during a movie and not her. Imagine the nerve! I went upstairs and offered to take her outside so she could pick on someone her own size and she could brush up her skills by taking me on. If that's going to be her chosen method of problem solving, we do want her to be prepared. She didn't take me up on my offer. By the end of the day they were best friends and had a sleepover in each others room.
This is why we have pharmacies. This may also be why some animals eat their young. Keeping up with the constant switching of gears is exhausting! This my friends is why I read books. When I read about Nazi Germany or even some teenager's love triangle between a vampire or a werewolf (Go Team Edward), breaking up a couple girls arguments doesn't seem like such a difficult problem to have. Also it's much easier to ignore them and let them work on solving their problems themselves if I'm wrapped up in a book. So let this be my public service announcement. Beware of teenagers! To get through this difficult time get a good book take two Tylenol and call me in the morning, for this too shall pass.
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